Week 4

I am officially halfway in to my 5th week on HMR. It's crazy to realize that. Last Tuesday felt like a milestone day when I completed my meeting and finished Week 4. Officially 1/3 of the way through what I committed to. 12 weeks.

In the last 4 weeks my weight loss hasn't been nearly as fast as that first 9lb week. But every day there is a steady loss of something and for that I am grateful. It definitely has not gotten easy, it's a very day to day challenge. Some days are better than others and some days are easier than others. 

Last Tuesday after my weigh-in I was doing the calculations to see how much weight I'd lost total and then multiplying it to see, at this rate, how long it would take me to reach my ultimate goal. [Yes, crazy person.] And, while I'd be way closer than I've ever been there's no way I'd be close enough to quit at 12 weeks and move in to Phase 2 of the program. So I was super confident that I'd be able to stick it out another 4 weeks-- just to see where that got me. 16 weeks [total] isn't so bad, right? 

And then it was 4th of July and I was right back in my weepy emotional about food place. Not knowing if I would make it through a day let alone another 12 weeks. Never in my life have I wanted a cheeseburger so badly. :P 

Next week is my birthday and it's important for 2 reasons. 1. Because I have a personal goal I want to meet by then and 2. Because I think it's going to be hard. I don't like my birthday to be a big deal, I don't want anyone to sing to me or get me presents or do anything crazy... but on HMR I can't even go out to dinner to "celebrate". As exciting as the loss part of this journey has been the social and emotional aspect has been absolutely grueling. 

Three more things. 

1. Today I am shooting my 4th wedding since being on the program and in complete honesty, wedding days are the easiest days on the program. They take a lot of preparation-- generally it takes me longer to get a days worth of food together than it does to get my camera equipment together. But it's very easy for me to be out of the house working for 10-12 hours grab a shake and not think about eating in the slightest. Probably because I'm already used to not eating at all on wedding days. Do I miss the wedding potatoes? Always. But it's so.much.easier. to say no on those days than on slow days at home when I'm in front of the computer all day. 

2. I've finally worked back up to my 4x a week gym routine. The crazy in me wants to push myself to 5 or 6x a week... because I'm crazy and because much like wedding times, it's so.much.easier. to not be at home. The hardest part of working out is definitely even though I'm up to the number of days I was working out before I am definitely not up to the caliber of working out that I was at before. The plantar fasciitis in my left foot hardly bothers me at all anymore [Thank GOD for Charlotta!!!] but I'm afraid to run on it and cause it to flair up again. So instead of running I walk on the treadmill slowly increasing my incline to 7.0 so I'm still burning the calories and walking 2.5 miles but I don't have the impact on my foot. And at Xtreme Strength I've gone back to my starting weights. That was hard. So instead of using 10lb+ weights for everything, I'm using 5lb weights only. I know that I'm still getting a great workout but it's a challenge to not talk down to myself for being weaker now than I was before. 

3. At my Week 3 meeting, Penny, our nutritionist, gave us a recipe packet for different ways we can mix our shakes into different puddings, mousses, cookies, brownies and random other things by varying the water added and mixing them differently or baking them. And, we've been able to add things in for flavoring or consistency like salsa or egg whites. I've had salsa twice since then, which has been seriously amazing, never have I been so thankful for salsa! And this last week I've started periodically scrambling some egg whites, it started because I did a photoshoot at the beach where the marine layer rolled in and got into my bones, I couldn't get warm and I needed something warm. Scrambled egg whites seemed like the easiest thing. Less than 30 calories and 5.5 more grams of protein seemed reasonable. Being able to chew has been amazing. 

I will update in a few days with how close to my goal I was. 

Today is my first wedding being on HMR I think it took me longer to get my food together than it took to get my camera gear together. 

The moment when you're on day 10 of a liquid diet and what's being made in the crockpot smells so good you might die. #thisismylife #74daystogo

Over the last 6 months I've tried incredibly hard not to get my hopes up-- as far as weight goes anyways. Every time I would start something new and it was successful in the first week I would try really hard to shut down the fantasies of how much closer to my goal weight I would be in a few months. Because with my track record, I could start something, be successful the first week and by week 3 I was either stuck in the same place or had gained everything back. Like a cycle of failure.. so getting my hopes up wasn't ideal. 

That's kind of the place I've been the last few days. Trying to play it cool and not get my hopes up too high. 

Week 1 on the HMR diet was hands down one of the hardest things I have ever done and at my weigh-in on Tuesday, thankfully, the hard work paid off and I had a 9lb loss. [It was almost like a Biggest Loser moment... except I already knew it was coming because I have a scale at home... and Bob & Jillian weren't there to celebrate.] Because I've been weighing myself at home, which I totally don't consider cheating, for the record, I've known what was coming and have been mentally preparing for the let down of Week 2. It's gotten easier over the last few days and I feel much much more "normal" which means it's going to stop working, right? That's only logical. 

Last night I was at a photographer meet up and had a minute where I was completely unable to surpress the hope of what's to come over the next few months. We were talking about how next month we're going to do a headshot swap and pair up and photograph other photographers through the night and my initial thought was "I'm totally not going to that." LOL But the more I thought about it the more I wondered what I would be like in 4 weeks. If this works, I could potentially lose 20 more lbs by then... I could be almost halfway to my goal weight. 

But 9 days in and I'm afraid to hold on to dreams that big. 

Week 2 has most definitely been easier than Week 1. The headaches, for the most part are gone. The dizziness and the nausea are also mostly gone [except for this morning at the gym... the dizziness and nausea were definitely still hanging around. :P] And this seems like it could actually, possibly, be doable for the long run.

I guess we'll see. 

80 ounces of water later...

This year I made a lot of goals. Personally and professionally. One of my personal goals was to lose weight... lots of it. So in January I started a 5 month unsuccessful journey in the direction of weight loss.

I started by counting calories using My Fitness Pal and going to the gym 5x a week. I fell into a more love than hate relationship with a 5am alarm and took on the challenge of searching pinterest for healthy recipes to make at home. Being self employed and working from home made it fairly easy to cook every night or at the very least throw something into the crockpot.

Unfortunately with those changes... nothing in my body changed.

So I spent 5 months trying to change everything I was eating to find *something* that would work. Lower calories, higher calories, various attempts to force myself to love fruits and vegetables that I've always hated, dabbling with low carbs after a doctor said I might have PCOS. Everything would give me a momentary exciting budge on the scale and then absolutely nothing. Resulting in less than 5lbs of weight loss after 5 months of hard, frustrating work.

This past Tuesday I went to my first meeting at the doctors office to start the HMR Diet. Basically it is a VLCD [Very Low Calorie Diet] where I drink 5 protein shakes a day and am limited to 500 calories a day-- found in those protein shakes. No food. Just shakes.

When I first went to the information meeting I cried on the way home. And for several days after. I've been overweight my entire life and I feel like I'm out of options and if this doesn't work there's just no hope. Period.

A few weeks ago I had a photoshoot in Cambria and because no one was able to ride along with me I had 8 hours in the car by myself to think. The pressure of feeling like this was my only option was heavy on my mind as was the fear of making this commitment and drastic life change only to gain all of the weight back [and more!] as soon as I stopped drinking the shakes.

Day 3 on this diet and it's been harder than I ever imagined. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Hard.

The funny part is 3 days of 500 calories a day and I'm not hungry.

Physically by the end of day 2 and 3 my head has been throbbing. Last night I was photographing 2 back to back graduations and after 5 hours of carrying the 70-200 paired with my throbbing head I thought I was going to pass out or vomit or both. It was awful and lots of tear inducing.

Mentally after all of these years having a terrible relationship with food I don't think I ever realized how much food revolves around being social. Even if I never ate in social situations it wasn't like I *couldn't* eat. Now, I can't sit at the dinner table, or go to the grocery store, or accept a DumDum that Jack offers me.

Emotionally tonight I'm a mess. I haven't gone to the gym in 2 days because I'm afraid if I wake up too early I won't be able to make it through the day without being paralyzed with headache pain and it seems like the only solution to making it through the next 12+ weeks is to sleep them away. I know I made this decision but it's depressing. Depressing because I feel like I needed to make it and because I don't know if I'm going to make it through and because aside from food I already feel like my life has been drastically limited. And what if I go through all of this and it still fails? What if I don't lose any weight? What if I can't keep going and my last hope slips from my reach?

What if it's too hard for me to get through a 10 hour wedding day?

I just needed somewhere to spill all of this. So it wasn't floating around in my mind anymore.

How old are you...? Pink.

Sometimes blogging is too public... but sometimes I need a place to let it all out. It's been 3 years since I've logged on to this blog, it was like digging through my past trying to find a different person. Trying to remember screen names and passwords and trying to figure out how to use blogger again. Why is it so hard to find the "new post" button?? But crawling back up into this old person, while it doesn't feel familiar, it feels comfortable and private. And that's what I need. If anyone reads this post, it won't be for weeks... months... years.

 Today I went to a press conference. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my 25 years. I stood on Hawthorne Boulevard and listened to family members talk about their lost loved ones. And I cried.

 I really don't understand. I think about it and cry because how could anything this awful and tragic be a part of God's plan? And then I cry when I think about my ever-loving, all-knowing God and how his heart must have broken as he watched this family sleep moments before their lives were turned upside down. He wept over Lazarus.. how He must weep over us when He sees our pain.

I keep saying my heart is broken for them... but how is that fair? I only knew them for a day and I only took 3 photographs of them. I'm not family... I'm hardly more than an acquaintance. Who am I to mourn with them? But my heart still hurts. :[

Since I heard the news on Saturday night two of the best, most healing and most difficult things happened today: 1. Seeing, hugging and crying with Carolina. As selfish as it may sound I needed her to know I cared and that I am crying with her. 2. Admitting out loud, as irrational and absolutely crazy as it sounds, that a part of me doesn't want to photograph people anymore for fear that they will die. I am so thankful to have a friend who listens.

I might be sad for a long time. :[

hero points... so you get those when you're like... saving a dying animal?

So here i am in Surry, BC.

i've been away from home for 4 days now and i just wanted to share with you who read my personal blog a little of what is going on. well, let me start a little farther back... like say monday instead of tuesday. i was going i.n.s.a.n.e. on monday! i can't believe i ever thought of working 8 hours because when 5 o'clock rolled around i was so tempted to call out! i woke up early and finished some errands i needed to do before getting on the plane the next morning. then i got my hair done by the oh so fabulous karen! [ack! its amazing!] then i picked my twin up from work and had time just to... wow i totally just got distracted for like an hour looking at pictures i took tonight. but more on that later LOL. i only had time to grab a water bottle check my email and jet to the Galleria for a bride consult.

i got a *HUGE* surprise in my email inbox. like if im being 100% honest it was GOD huge. but at first i just freaked out because i thought something went wrong. i had a refund from paypal for $450. the second half of my IMAGINE intern program payment. i had to run out the door but i was like wtf... that can't be right... whats going on!? so i check my photography email account to find an email from Jamie saying that one of the interns wasn't going to be able to make it anymore and instead of taking a refund she decided to gift it to me because God had blessed her over and beyond the funds she needed to go. OMG! oommmggg... thats HUGE. thats $450 that i had put on my credit card that I had actually already mostly paid off because God had blessed me with some unexpected funds. HUGE! then i cried and continued on with my day.

tuesday i flew out and got to Canada around 4pm.. my flights were smooth and amazing. i finished almost a whole book. but i was extremely nervous [what else is new?]. and my nerves weren't really calmed on tuesday. there was alot of awkwardness getting to know the other girls. and not being starstruck in front of Jamie... and not having my phone as a comfort. We had good lessons though. We had to make something called a "brand board" which is supposed to be a graphic that reflects who we are so that we can define our brand after ourselves that way people can look at us and say oh. shes just like me i like her personality and her style i want *her* to take my pictures. this is my brand board. does it reflect me?



Then we had a lesson about our blogs and websites. Jamie showed us what she uses and how much she's invested to make her blog and website reflect who she is as a person. Exactally what i want to do. Only to find out that ShowIt an amazing photographer website building company is donating FREE websites to us as interns for a YEAR. as long as we get them up and running in the next 3 months. thats over $500 that i'm saving. i can't believe how blessed ive been. its like God has so had his hand in this trip and i can't even express how thankful i am for that.

Now that it's the close of friday the awkwardness has cleared up so much and im really having the most amazing time. Yesterday we shot each other for bio pictures which i of course was *totally* nervous for... of course. i still haven't see the pictures so im hoping that i dont completely hate them. and then tonight we had a session with the most adorable couple. seriously they were SO cute! and i just uploaded all of my pictures into a program ive never used before and i want to cry i'm so happy with them. i can't wait to come home and have sessions with you all using what i've learned!

i'm almost bursting at the seams with happiness right now. the only thing that could make life better is if my PPFLs were meeting me at home when i come back... but i still have to wait a little while for that. but i should go this is an insanely long blog and its taken me so many hours to write because i have gotten so distracted lol. goodnight! <3 <3 <3