-30

Yesterday I reached the -30lb mark.

It's crazy.

But I think the more crazy thing is that I don't feel any different. On the program every week I see a doctor. Usually our visit goes something like: "Hi, how are you." "Good, how are you!" "Any changes?" "Nope." "Exercising and drinking water?" "Lots of exercise, lots of water." "Great see you next week."

Yesterday after congratulating me on reaching 30lbs my doctor asked me if I felt any different. I said... yes? I mean, there's no denying I have most definitely changed. When I walk into a room full of mirrors at the gym my body most definitely isn't as horrifying as it used to be. And I'm proud of that.

But, I'm still wearing the same clothes size. I went to Target this week and tried on a few tops... and my goodness there is nothing quite like losing 30lbs and feeling enormous when you go clothes shopping. Will I start to feel different when I go down a jeans size? Will I ever go down a jeans size? So right now how it actually makes me feel is maybe I was wearing clothes that were way too small for my actual body size and I was walking around for years in way-too-small clothes. 

I am a ridiculously huge fan of The Biggest Loser and almost every season when the contestants get to a certain point at their time on the ranch they have some kind of challenge that forces them to carry around the weight that they've lost. Whether it's in the form of actual weights or in tangible "everyday" items like a 10-lb bag of potatoes, so they can see how much those extra pounds actually slow them down... I wonder if that would make me "feel" any different. 

If I'm being honest and vulnerable I know that it won't.

In the emotional and tear-filled days I spent making the decision to start this program I told God I wanted to do this with Him. That every day I was going to wake up and give Him my day and my hunger and my want for coffee creamer and my tears and exhaustion, I wanted Him to hold my hand. But 10 weeks have gone and I can probably count the number of times I did that one one hand. So I guess right now what losing 30lbs feels like is success coming at the cost of failure. 

Hopefully the next 10 weeks will be a success on both counts. 

How old are you...? Pink.

Sometimes blogging is too public... but sometimes I need a place to let it all out. It's been 3 years since I've logged on to this blog, it was like digging through my past trying to find a different person. Trying to remember screen names and passwords and trying to figure out how to use blogger again. Why is it so hard to find the "new post" button?? But crawling back up into this old person, while it doesn't feel familiar, it feels comfortable and private. And that's what I need. If anyone reads this post, it won't be for weeks... months... years.

 Today I went to a press conference. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my 25 years. I stood on Hawthorne Boulevard and listened to family members talk about their lost loved ones. And I cried.

 I really don't understand. I think about it and cry because how could anything this awful and tragic be a part of God's plan? And then I cry when I think about my ever-loving, all-knowing God and how his heart must have broken as he watched this family sleep moments before their lives were turned upside down. He wept over Lazarus.. how He must weep over us when He sees our pain.

I keep saying my heart is broken for them... but how is that fair? I only knew them for a day and I only took 3 photographs of them. I'm not family... I'm hardly more than an acquaintance. Who am I to mourn with them? But my heart still hurts. :[

Since I heard the news on Saturday night two of the best, most healing and most difficult things happened today: 1. Seeing, hugging and crying with Carolina. As selfish as it may sound I needed her to know I cared and that I am crying with her. 2. Admitting out loud, as irrational and absolutely crazy as it sounds, that a part of me doesn't want to photograph people anymore for fear that they will die. I am so thankful to have a friend who listens.

I might be sad for a long time. :[

if i bring my dj can i be the ipod?

i didnt really have anything to do tonight. after sitting on the couch complaining of my boredom for awhile i finally gave up and when to the bank to withdraw my rent money to at least be somewhat productive. on my way there i was deciding on things i could do to pass time besides just taking nyquil and passing out for the night haha and i settled on cleaning my room. it didnt take long because the only thing that was really making it messy was the giant air matress covering the floor.

i decided to take on a huge pile of CDs that have been sitting in my room since we moved. blank burned cds. new cds i havent even opened. cd cases missing cds and who knows where the heck they actually are. They all needed to be added to my cd case that i honestly havent opened in months. most people probably dont know this but im very particular about my cd case. everything is alphabetical. it has been for as long as i can remember. every artist is in its correct place... although not perfectly alphabetical because you see artists cannot be split up. all of the FIF cds have to be next to each other, on the same page. weird.. i know.

anyway i set out to add this pile of discs into my case and i knew it would take awhile because of my particular orginzation. who knew that looking through a case of, to anyone else, meaningless discs would actually make me so emotional. this case holds my life, my youth. so many memories are held in that one case, i thought i would share a few... or alot. lol

Nilrebna: Its a burned CD of Anberlin's Blueprints for the Blackmarket. Amber made it for me and cleverly disguised the title so that no one would steal it from me. hahaha

Blindside [The Great Depression]: I went to this tour for my 18th birthday with Amber and Brittany. We played Rummy outside the glasshouse for hours and Brittany HATED it. Christian walked by and everyone swooned. It was the sweatiest show i have ever been to moisture was dripping from the ceiling.

The Classic Crime [Albatross]: this cd is one of my favorites of all time. i adore The Classic Crime. theres one song that i used to listen to when i was driving and sad. its called Headlights. "A summer drive away from dying: a broken heart nothing to lose. I know it hurts so bad just trying to please the ones you hate to love."

Disney Volume I, II, & III: Everytime i drove around danielle, zoran, brian, and nani. danielle would pick these cds. every.time.

Dogwood [Seismic]: i got this CD the first time i saw dogwood play live. i went with amber, stacey, brittany, and danielle. we almost died on the freeway on the way there. i felt horrible all night because i felt like i was betraying denise for seeing dogwood without her after she moved to CO. the next day herman asked me to look into booking dogwood for the fire zone's opening night.

Falling up [dawn escapes]: I was supposed to marry joe. He was my age, still in high school when i saw them perform for the first time. I learned their songs that day because amber and i bought their cd because they were opening for Kutless, TFK, and FM Static. it was one of the best lineups ever. Amber and i played frizbee in the parking lot and our frizbee went under kutless' tour bus. i had to crawl under the bus to get it out.. it was the day mean kyle became mean kyle. he wouldnt get us a broom.

Five Iron Frenzy [the end is near]: i went to this show with amber, denise, shanna, and brandon.. i think thats it. it was a tense day because of all the friend drama. i was unhappy most of the show because we got split up and i knew that it was going to get shoved in my face that i was being exclusive. we made it to the front for five iron and i had long hair and no hair tie.

Hawk Nelson [letters to the president]: i got this CD autographed at Joshua Fest. I hung out with the guys of HN for like an hour discussing the greatness of cup o noodle and how their code word was mayonnaise!

Number One Gun [all of them!]: i learned NOG's songs by going to NOG shows. not by listening to their CDs. i saw them at least twice a month for almost a year. we knew them... and their manager kyle.. and i was in their music video for The Starting Line.. where i first met cameron from ephraim.

Plus One:... i just wont say anything here haha

PAX217: i bought their check your pulse EP at a show at the glass house... i forgot a camera that night and i was so pissed.

Relient K: the first burned CD i ever owned. my aunt kathy made it for me. i saw relient k live once and disliked them because of the lead singer matt's attitude he was sooooo lame! but i never got rid of the cd because it was my first burned cd.

Tight Selena Songs: i made this cd after i watched the movie Selena with Denise and bawled.

Sanctus Real [fight the tide]: my autograph says "Stacee- Thanks for all the toppings Matt 1 Tim 4:12" Amber and i baked brownies for all the bands at this show for a contest Hawk Nelson was having. Sanctus Real was super excited about it.

Seven Places [lonely for the last time]: stacey told morgan that she was bff with seven places. morgan believed her... and amber and i had to remind stacey who seven places was every time we played the cd.

Stellar Kart [all gas no break]: This cd has some of the most annoying songs on it. i let zoran borrow it and then told him he could just keep it because i would never listen to it again... i still have the cd sleeve bc its autographed to me. its the only "missing" cd that i know where it is.

Underoath [they're only chasing safety]: another one of my most favorite cds. i always listen to it when i need loud screaming music because im angry or frustrated... while most people dont know what the heck they're saying... i know almost every word they're screaming.

i'll stop there because this is forever long. those arent even all the memories... and it doesnt nearly sum up the emotion that is overflowing everywhere tonight. its sad... heartbreaking how things have changed. im not sure im happy with who ive become when i compare myself to who i was then. i look at those times and i remember how great they were how happy i was and i look at now and im just tired. tired of having to second guess my every move. tired of the girl drama. tired of waiting. tired of everyone talking about changing things... but never seeing the change. tired of not really living. i want to make new memories.

how long you were going to wait to *live* and stop hanging your life on other peoples expectaions and desires

this is going to be a random post full of rambles that dont make much sense. just a warning.

after i almost burst into tears today at work when a coworker asked how i was.. and i felt like they actually meant it. my "mom patron" came in. [not to be confused with my "mom coworker" lol] we had a discussion about lasik eye surgery and how she was going in for a consultation tomorrow, but she was scared. after discussing fears and how someone digging in your eye was way different than needles digging into your skin [she thought my henna was real LOL] she said, it would be nice to just wake up in the morning and be able to see. then she said, its a shame the first thing i would see is my husband. then she laughed and said, no im totally kidding. im still very much in love with my husband after all these years. it was so cute.

i got a book from the library today called "its a wonderful lie: 26 truths about life in your twenties" heres an excerpt:

"The labels 'permanent adolescents' and 'boomerangers'-- as in we listlessly boomerang back into our parents' homes-- imply that out of laziness, we would much prefer to waste our lives loafing while watching afternoon television and munching Fritos on our parents' couch. CNN has specifically accused twentysomethings of wanting merely to 'lay around.'

We dont languish in our state of limbo, however, as much as we battle it. Simply put it is more difficult to be a twentysomething now than it was forty years ago. We face the most competitive hiring pool in history, with increasing numbers of college graduates. Furthermore, the age at which older generations expect us to succeed is rapidly plummeting; no longer is a thirty-year-old CEO deemed a whiz kid. With professional athletes drafted out of high school and A-list singer-actors in their teens, we're made to feel that if we haven't achieved something monumental by age twenty five, then we're already over the hill."

*shrugs* yeah basically.

these are some lyrics from a song i was listening to on the way home from work.

Tonight will change our lives
It's so good to be by your side
But we'll cry
We won't give up the fight
We'll scream loud at the top of our lungs
And they'll think it's just cause we're young
And we'll feel so alive

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

and i'll leave you with a few secrets. a friend recently told me that if i ever decided to pick up and leave i had to tell her first.. because most of the secrets that i have involve leaving. its kinda funny that the idea of leaving is so obvious in my subconscious but when its brought to the front of my mind its at the top of my "most terrified of" list.










its been a long... difficult last few days. thank you to the amazing friends i have <3

I wish for one day everyone would say exactly what someone else needed to hear.

i was planning on never posting another postsecret blog in my life because i was tired of all the angsty responses about how i need to change how i feel. but this brought tears to my eyes and i thought i would share.





-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 5:18 AM
Subject: timecard you're not alone

My son just wrote Santa last night asking for that special present and I didn't have the heart to tell him that "Santa's" back injury has kept HER from waiting tables the past two weeks .

my secret:
I wish Santa Claus was real so on Christmas no child would have to go without and no parent would have to feel like they failed there child.

-Amber (with permission)


-----Email Message-----
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2008 12:11 AM
Subject: re: timecard you're not alone

I know I cannot do this for every child out there, but if you would tell her that there is someone out there willing to try and buy their son that gift, then I would appreciate it very much.

I am a college student with a limited budget, but it would be a lovely Christmas present for me if I were able to put a smile on the faces of two strangers on Christmas morning.


-----Email Message
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 11:53 PM
Subject: RE: timecard you're not alone

First off let me tell you how thankful I am to you and your wonderful offer. I was not in anyway expecting any sort of help I just wanted to let this person know they were not alone.

Gratefully yours,
-Amber

[Frank's Note:] (I asked Amber to set-up a PayPal account using this email address for those of us wanting to help.)
q.ue_sera_sera@yahoo.com

what did i ever do to YOU?!

ive had a really good week.

tuesday i went to see frank. <4!!! thursday i went to chain reaction where i havent been in SO long, and i laughed... alot. friday a bunch of us went to cassi's play, so amazing. :D and then went roaming around until we decided to light graffiti @ rocketship park. saturday was a horrible day at work. so horrible. :[ and today, sunday was really fun. cassandra came over for lunch and then her, susanna, and i went out to disneyland rode space mountian, bought at concert ticket @ HOB and came home. and then later candice came over, which always makes me happy :]

but now that its 11:46 and im still not done with my homework for the week im feeling really blahish. i thought going to school working in my major was going to be fun. its not. i hate the homework... mostly. sometimes its enjoyable, when i actually get to take pictures. which happens for ONE of my FOUR classes this semester. so i just put everything off till the last minute. which will be midnight tomorrow. and im paying so so so much money for this... its ridiculous. i'm starting to second guess my decision. :| i hate being a grown up and having to make decisions... i always fail at them.

and this is where i will end because if i say anymore i will be breaking my goals.

without the shades and the hair you can go anywhere

i feel like im failing in the "being a friend" area of my life lately.

its been a about a year [give or take for a few friends here and there] since i *really* started having more than just one friend. and i dont think anyone understands exactally how hard thats been for me... not even me. its hard for me to open up and be trusting [clearly!] and the fact that ive found people to open up to, just ever so slightly, makes me uncomfortable.

don't get me wrong its not an "i dont trust you or believe that you'll keep my stupid secrets" kind of uncomfortable. its a "i'm being really honest with you, and i think i'm hurting you in the process, and hurting you is the very LAST thing i would ever want to do, but i dont know how to change my point of view so i should probably just put another layer of plastic wrap over my book and shut up so we stop fighting and i stop being a burden" kind of uncomfortable.

having people depend on and even... *shudders* love me back when i love them is HARD for me. [yes i know that sounds stupid.] i really do love you all so much i don't mean to make it hard to love or even like me.

so i guess what im trying to say is i'm sorry. give me time... im working on being a better friend.

when it rains...

im slippin into the lava

ive been insanely busy latey. and its been amazing fersher. but i dont feel like writing about it. so i will leave you with an obnoxious amout of secrets.

mature and mentally stable?

i took a month off blogging.

not for any particular reason... and not because it was a goal or something i resolved to do. it just happened. i havent been good at verbalizing my thoughts or issues lately [lately? who am i kidding... more like ever. LOL] so there was just never anything to say.

but this last month has been busy, full of lots of fun stuff.

• a trip to 2 states ive never been to: Indiana and Illinois [the "s" is silent!]. Where i met so many new friends... that were really more like family by the end of the week.
• i turned 21 [but i'm not allowed ot talk about that haha!]
• i went to the new BJs [!]
• played pool party
• had a photoshoot... or rewind. built a wall and THEN had a photoshoot.
• I've texted... alot.
• went to the midnight showing of the dark knight [heath <3]
• drank lots of coffee
• watched seasons 1-3 of the office [ryyyyan the teeemp]
• went on a few after midnight InO runs :P
• saw the HSM3 preview!!
• got the "susanna susanna staceeeeee" song stuck in my head 93 thousand times
• i've napped in a hammock
• cleaned my room... and made it messy again.
• shot my first wedding!
• mailed a giant package across the country
• had friends visit me on my lunch break at work for the first time
• started reading twilight
• learned that i need to quit the library when i get my first rubber insect
• wrote an essay [and got a B]
• honestly i've had a bunch of emotional issues without actually getting emotional. which really shouldnt qualify me as mature or mentally stable [i mask my emotions well ;]muahahah] but, i kinda made a decision to commit to "circle time"... which isnt going to fix anything, it could make things worse lol. but the fact that i commited is such a giant scary step for me...

and thats all i can think of right now, athough im sure there is so much more. ill attempt to blog more... its only fair since i expect everyone else to blog haha.

the end.

at the risk of being emo..

taken directly from the PostSecret website...

"

there are no words, in any language verbal or pictorial, that could ever describe how much i wish this postcard were for me.

today is my last visit to the site, never again. it hurts too much, seeing postcards like the one i need, knowing it will never come."


Its not that i feel this way, its that i can feel the pain of the people who posted this. PostSecret breaks me like nothing else.

dear diary, mood apathetic

my life is spiraling downward. i couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry Concert. It sucks cause they play some of my favorite songs like 'Stab My Heart Because I Love You,' and 'Rip Apart My Soul,' and of course, 'Stabby Rip Stab Stab."... wait. jk.

so, its been an insanely long time since i posted a *real* blog. and its basically because i went thru and read my old blogs and was like. crap. i dont want this to be the place i come and be emo. i dont want to be *that girl* where you see i updated and think "great. another sarcastically sad post because her life is crappy." haha.

i read my less-than-three girls blogs and everyone is posting how God is moving amazingly in their lives and doors are being opened and i am so so so so SO happy to hear that! i dont want to be the downer blog. so i havent really posted. because lately my impulse posts... would be pretty emo. AND i should be able to be grown up and actually talk about my issues instead of blogging vague emotastic paragraphs that make sense to no one. [like that will ever happen! HAHA]

so heres a little peek into my brain. In an effort to really "blog". A thought that was brought on by the beth moore bible study tonight. After every passover comes a pentecost. We all know the story of Jesus' betrayal after "the last supper" that supper was Passover... and basically not the best day ever. Then 50 days later, was the Day of Pentecost, after Jesus accended to Heaven He told His followers to wait, because He was going to send "the comforter". He KNEW what was going to happen!! And He told them to wait because He wanted them to experiance it! God's not going to leave me because He already knows whats going to happen. Hes not looking at my life saying "wow, she *is* emo! that sucks." *walks away* =[ I'd like to imagine He's looking at me in anticipation of the ending of this season, excited to see the day that *im* excited to be alive. [i think there will be lots of glitter falling around me that day haha] just thought id share. the end.

some days its hard to be a one girl revolution.

gosh, today sucked.

the end.

i am insecure, and there is no one as insecure as me.

*sigh*

a really good friend recently told me that i am a closed book. a book closed, and taped shut. except for one little corner that i every now and then let open, but only for certain people. it made me laugh because i had just been realizing that myself. so i am making an attempt at vulnerablity and opening my small corner a little tiny bit, so you can see at least the page number of my book. =]

im pretty scared. you know how people say that the ones who love us the most can hurt us the worst. that scares me in an almost paralyzing way. i am so insecure in who i am that when i hang out with my most amazing friends i am scared to open up too much because the last thing i would ever want is to give someone i love so very much any leverage to cause me pain. im just getting to or am just past the point of no return in some of my most cherished relationships and im feeling the need to take 12 GIANT steps backwards and then run far far away before i do get hurt. because im basically sure i cant handle the hurt anymore. and then when i think about running i can seriously convince myself that no one would notice. and as retarded as it is that hurts my feelings. i hurt my own feelings!

then im insecure in my decision making. for the last year i have been basically disconnected from who i was. i made a 'new' stacee and i was ok with that. i was going to move to the OC and forget my old life and disappear into the crowd and not worry about the people i was leaving behind. until God changed my mind. but now that i took a step... im frozen. at 24 hour prayer i was praying for zillions upon zillions of things and i felt at home for the first time in a long time. and then it just hit me.... i cant even describe how uncomfortable i felt... like i didnt belong. like i would never really belong like i had in the past because i missed so much. and i know its all 'spiritual warfare' or whatever... but its just so real. and it hurts so deep.

and lets just touch for a second on my insecurites about school. AJ from empire records says something that resinates in my being while everyone is at debs 'funeral' he says, "is it better to know or not to know? i want to go to art school... but im scared" i keep putting off my registration... not calling the financial aide people and doing anything because i am so worried that i wont be good enough.

and right now im really insecure because it has taken me 3 days to write this... and im about to press 'publish post' and i dont want you to feel sorry for me because i dont have life figured out. even though i know that none of us do....