if i bring my dj can i be the ipod?

i didnt really have anything to do tonight. after sitting on the couch complaining of my boredom for awhile i finally gave up and when to the bank to withdraw my rent money to at least be somewhat productive. on my way there i was deciding on things i could do to pass time besides just taking nyquil and passing out for the night haha and i settled on cleaning my room. it didnt take long because the only thing that was really making it messy was the giant air matress covering the floor.

i decided to take on a huge pile of CDs that have been sitting in my room since we moved. blank burned cds. new cds i havent even opened. cd cases missing cds and who knows where the heck they actually are. They all needed to be added to my cd case that i honestly havent opened in months. most people probably dont know this but im very particular about my cd case. everything is alphabetical. it has been for as long as i can remember. every artist is in its correct place... although not perfectly alphabetical because you see artists cannot be split up. all of the FIF cds have to be next to each other, on the same page. weird.. i know.

anyway i set out to add this pile of discs into my case and i knew it would take awhile because of my particular orginzation. who knew that looking through a case of, to anyone else, meaningless discs would actually make me so emotional. this case holds my life, my youth. so many memories are held in that one case, i thought i would share a few... or alot. lol

Nilrebna: Its a burned CD of Anberlin's Blueprints for the Blackmarket. Amber made it for me and cleverly disguised the title so that no one would steal it from me. hahaha

Blindside [The Great Depression]: I went to this tour for my 18th birthday with Amber and Brittany. We played Rummy outside the glasshouse for hours and Brittany HATED it. Christian walked by and everyone swooned. It was the sweatiest show i have ever been to moisture was dripping from the ceiling.

The Classic Crime [Albatross]: this cd is one of my favorites of all time. i adore The Classic Crime. theres one song that i used to listen to when i was driving and sad. its called Headlights. "A summer drive away from dying: a broken heart nothing to lose. I know it hurts so bad just trying to please the ones you hate to love."

Disney Volume I, II, & III: Everytime i drove around danielle, zoran, brian, and nani. danielle would pick these cds. every.time.

Dogwood [Seismic]: i got this CD the first time i saw dogwood play live. i went with amber, stacey, brittany, and danielle. we almost died on the freeway on the way there. i felt horrible all night because i felt like i was betraying denise for seeing dogwood without her after she moved to CO. the next day herman asked me to look into booking dogwood for the fire zone's opening night.

Falling up [dawn escapes]: I was supposed to marry joe. He was my age, still in high school when i saw them perform for the first time. I learned their songs that day because amber and i bought their cd because they were opening for Kutless, TFK, and FM Static. it was one of the best lineups ever. Amber and i played frizbee in the parking lot and our frizbee went under kutless' tour bus. i had to crawl under the bus to get it out.. it was the day mean kyle became mean kyle. he wouldnt get us a broom.

Five Iron Frenzy [the end is near]: i went to this show with amber, denise, shanna, and brandon.. i think thats it. it was a tense day because of all the friend drama. i was unhappy most of the show because we got split up and i knew that it was going to get shoved in my face that i was being exclusive. we made it to the front for five iron and i had long hair and no hair tie.

Hawk Nelson [letters to the president]: i got this CD autographed at Joshua Fest. I hung out with the guys of HN for like an hour discussing the greatness of cup o noodle and how their code word was mayonnaise!

Number One Gun [all of them!]: i learned NOG's songs by going to NOG shows. not by listening to their CDs. i saw them at least twice a month for almost a year. we knew them... and their manager kyle.. and i was in their music video for The Starting Line.. where i first met cameron from ephraim.

Plus One:... i just wont say anything here haha

PAX217: i bought their check your pulse EP at a show at the glass house... i forgot a camera that night and i was so pissed.

Relient K: the first burned CD i ever owned. my aunt kathy made it for me. i saw relient k live once and disliked them because of the lead singer matt's attitude he was sooooo lame! but i never got rid of the cd because it was my first burned cd.

Tight Selena Songs: i made this cd after i watched the movie Selena with Denise and bawled.

Sanctus Real [fight the tide]: my autograph says "Stacee- Thanks for all the toppings Matt 1 Tim 4:12" Amber and i baked brownies for all the bands at this show for a contest Hawk Nelson was having. Sanctus Real was super excited about it.

Seven Places [lonely for the last time]: stacey told morgan that she was bff with seven places. morgan believed her... and amber and i had to remind stacey who seven places was every time we played the cd.

Stellar Kart [all gas no break]: This cd has some of the most annoying songs on it. i let zoran borrow it and then told him he could just keep it because i would never listen to it again... i still have the cd sleeve bc its autographed to me. its the only "missing" cd that i know where it is.

Underoath [they're only chasing safety]: another one of my most favorite cds. i always listen to it when i need loud screaming music because im angry or frustrated... while most people dont know what the heck they're saying... i know almost every word they're screaming.

i'll stop there because this is forever long. those arent even all the memories... and it doesnt nearly sum up the emotion that is overflowing everywhere tonight. its sad... heartbreaking how things have changed. im not sure im happy with who ive become when i compare myself to who i was then. i look at those times and i remember how great they were how happy i was and i look at now and im just tired. tired of having to second guess my every move. tired of the girl drama. tired of waiting. tired of everyone talking about changing things... but never seeing the change. tired of not really living. i want to make new memories.

I dont know what you are referencing. Just answer the question!

My Child,

Not only can I hear you, but I know everything about you. (Psalm139:1) I know when you sit down and when you rise up. (Psalm 139:2) I am familiar with all your ways. (Psalm 139:3) Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matthew 10:29-31) For you were made in My image. (Genesis 1:27) In Me, you live and move and have your being. (Acts 17:27-28)

For you are My offspring. (Acts 17:28) I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5) I chose you, when I planned creation. (Ephesians 1:11-12) You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in My book. (Psalm 139:15-16) I determined the exact time of your birth, and where you would live. (Acts 17:26) You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) I knit you together in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13) And brought you forth on the day you were born. (Psalm 71:6) I have been misrepresented by those who don't know Me. (John 8:41, 42, 44) I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. (1 John 4:16) And it is My desire to lavish My love on you. Simply because you are My child, and I am your Father. (1 John 3:1) I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matthew 7:11) For I am the perfect Father. (Matthew 5:48)

Every good gift that you receive, comes from My hand. (James 1:17) For I am your provider, and I Meet all your needs. (Matthew 6:31-33) My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) Because I love you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3) My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. (Psalm 139:17-18) And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17) I will never stop doing good to you. (Jeremiah 32:40) For you are My treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5) I desire to establish you with all My heart, and all My soul. (Jeremiah 32:41) And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jeremiah 33:3) If you seek Me with all your heart, you will find Me. (Deuteronomy 4:29) Delight in Me, and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4) For it is I, who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13) I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. (Ephesians 3:20-21) For I am your greatest encourager. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17) And nothing will ever separate you from My love again. (Romans 8:38-39) I have always been your Father, and will always be your Father. (Ephesians 3:14-15)

Love,
Your Heavenly Father

how long you were going to wait to *live* and stop hanging your life on other peoples expectaions and desires

this is going to be a random post full of rambles that dont make much sense. just a warning.

after i almost burst into tears today at work when a coworker asked how i was.. and i felt like they actually meant it. my "mom patron" came in. [not to be confused with my "mom coworker" lol] we had a discussion about lasik eye surgery and how she was going in for a consultation tomorrow, but she was scared. after discussing fears and how someone digging in your eye was way different than needles digging into your skin [she thought my henna was real LOL] she said, it would be nice to just wake up in the morning and be able to see. then she said, its a shame the first thing i would see is my husband. then she laughed and said, no im totally kidding. im still very much in love with my husband after all these years. it was so cute.

i got a book from the library today called "its a wonderful lie: 26 truths about life in your twenties" heres an excerpt:

"The labels 'permanent adolescents' and 'boomerangers'-- as in we listlessly boomerang back into our parents' homes-- imply that out of laziness, we would much prefer to waste our lives loafing while watching afternoon television and munching Fritos on our parents' couch. CNN has specifically accused twentysomethings of wanting merely to 'lay around.'

We dont languish in our state of limbo, however, as much as we battle it. Simply put it is more difficult to be a twentysomething now than it was forty years ago. We face the most competitive hiring pool in history, with increasing numbers of college graduates. Furthermore, the age at which older generations expect us to succeed is rapidly plummeting; no longer is a thirty-year-old CEO deemed a whiz kid. With professional athletes drafted out of high school and A-list singer-actors in their teens, we're made to feel that if we haven't achieved something monumental by age twenty five, then we're already over the hill."

*shrugs* yeah basically.

these are some lyrics from a song i was listening to on the way home from work.

Tonight will change our lives
It's so good to be by your side
But we'll cry
We won't give up the fight
We'll scream loud at the top of our lungs
And they'll think it's just cause we're young
And we'll feel so alive

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

and i'll leave you with a few secrets. a friend recently told me that if i ever decided to pick up and leave i had to tell her first.. because most of the secrets that i have involve leaving. its kinda funny that the idea of leaving is so obvious in my subconscious but when its brought to the front of my mind its at the top of my "most terrified of" list.










its been a long... difficult last few days. thank you to the amazing friends i have <3

why are you beating me with my own coffee cup!?

things i need to do in the near future [like today]

• order prints of pictures to hang in my room
• finish laundry
• pluck my eyebrows
• go for a walk
• buy candice a birthday present ;]
• clean out under my bed
• find someone to photograph
• look into building my backdrop stand again
• take a nap

i'm sure more will come... but thats all i can think of now. *takes drink of coffee*

i knew something bad was going to happen today. you said that yesterday. yeah my neighbor got murdered.

i dont really have anything interesting or profound to say today. but its been awhile since i blogged... and im just sitting here with nothing to do, so blogging seemed like a viable option.

so, i was at work today really tired. i've been sick lately and while i woke up feeling so much better today i am just exhausted. it was like 20 minutes to the library closing and one of our regular patrons came in and she was talking about this book she had requested. Its called Snow Crystals. Its a book of photography by a guy named Wilson Bentley... let me tell you it is amazing! this guy, Bentley, was fasinated by snowflakes as a teenager and tried to draw them by looking at them under a microscope... but clearly that didnt work because the snowflakes would melt.

in 1885 he figured out a way to photograph snowflakes by catching them on the surface of a blackboard transfering them to a microscope slide and then capturing the snowflake before it melted or evaporated. It sometimes took hours to capture just one image. But he managed to take over 5,000 images of crystals in his lifetime.

When the woman at the library said she didnt need the book i took it, and ive been looking at these images. not one of them is alike. seriously. 2,500 snowflakes in one book and not one is the same. not only are they different. they are beautiful.

Theres no need for every snowflake to be different. God just did it because. no reason. how amazing is that? i guess you just have to see this book....



anyway. anyone watch the office yet?

i'm a holiday failure.

1) Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
hot chocolate FERSHER!

2) Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
wrapped presents are so much more amazing than unwrapped ones.

3) Colored lights or white?
i dont really care...

4) Do you hang mistletoe?
nope, i have bought mistletoe though @ the christmas lights they sell it for $1

5) When do you get out your decorations?
whenever my family decides to decorate.

6) Favorite holiday dish, excluding dessert?
um... meh.

7) Favorite holiday memory as a child?
i cant remember my childhood well... but im pretty postive the day i open my bunkbeds this year is going to be the best memory evvvvvver! haha.

8) When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
i really dont remember believing in santa as a child....

9) Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
yep... pjs every year.

10) How do you decorate your trees?
well if it was up to me it would be super cute with purple and green and blue amazing ornaments... but normally we use hallmark ornaments that we've collected over the years although our tree isnt even decorated.

11) Snow, love it or hate it?
love it! until ive been in it for like 2 hours... and then you come inside and your whole body is burning.

12) Can you ice skate?
i'm not pro status or anything.

13) Do you remember your favorite gift?
um.... i dont :[

14) What is the most important thing about the holidays for you?
well... considering thats when Jesus was born thats the positive... otherwise i'm not a christmas' biggest fan.

15) Favorite Holiday dessert?
my aunt makes AMAZING cheesecake!

16) Favorite Christmas tradition?
???

17) What tops your tree?
nothing at the moment... usually a star.

18) What's better giving or receiving?
GIVING! i haaaaaaaate getting gifts!

19) Favorite Christmas song?
um. i like that one amazing relient k song... i forget what its called. and.. then the plus one christmas cd is the only christmas songs i listen to. LOL

20) Candy Canes, yummy or yucky?
yucky. i am a holiday failure.

21) What do you want for Christmas?
bunk beds.

22) Do you attend an annual Christmas Party?
yep, the christmas banquet @ church. tomorrow baby!

23) Do you dress up for Christmas eve?
nope.

24) Do you own a Santa Hat?
i think i have at some point in my life but i don't anymore.

25) Who do you normally spend Christmas with?
my family in south dakota.

you're not allowed to molest people in line. there's not enough room!

so, i'm working on HW tonight... kinda out of character for me. considering i put it all of to the last second possible usually. but i have big plans @ 1am tuesday morning so im trying to get some stuff done early. :] anyway i'm working on an assignment for my color photography class that has me searching on google for photographs taken at night that used artifical lighting. and i came across this.



it made me extremely excited. why? you ask... well because i went there. we stopped on the way home from june lake this summer. its just an abandoned gas station on the outskirts of a super small town. but i insisted we pull over and have a mini photoshoot.



its kind of sad to look at too. it reminds me so much of summer, when we had time to go play. we could drive for 2 days to spend less than 24 hours in one place... the laughing and giggling over the stupid things we did for fun... not just june lake but the whole summer. illionis, bonfires, washington, june lake, swirl offs, bars (;]), and photoshoots. i can honestly say that this was one of the best summers of my life, and i dont know that next summer will be anything like this last one. actually it could be the complete opposite not opposite in it will be the worst summer ever, but opposite in the fact that everyone could be gone. :/ yes. i got all that from one random picture.

i want to take pictures like that.

i think i have a coupon.... WOAH what are they doing!?

so. i just got back from borders. where i spent $7.78 on a bouncy ball. i love it with all of my heart. it is indeed the bouncy ball of my dreams. and it is extra super special because an oh-so-amazing borders employee gave me 20% off just because i said i didnt want to spend more than $5, so he was totally trying to help me out. but i cant help but think.... eff. i just spent $8 on a bouncy ball. what a freaking retard! i think it means i cant dye my hair until i get paid again.... because instead of spending money on myself... i should have been spending it on christmas presents. i think that counts as an epic fail for me. :[



but i love it so much.

you say "we" but you'll be dead!!

maggie tagged me so here we go.

the rules are that when you are tagged you have to share 7 things about yourself and then tag 7 other people...


1. my room is filthy. there are clothes everywhere... along with camera bags and disco balls.

2. until like last year i never knew that the escalator at IKEA was actually outside. i think it was last christmas i was there and it was windy and i was like WTF what is going on!? and i realized i was outside... not inside...

3. i send/recieve approx. 200 text messages per day.

4. the only time i have ever had "surgery" was to get my wisdom teeth removed and on the list of things you had to do one was remove all nail polish... but i forgot to take off my toenail polish so i was freaking out. and jim came with me that day.

5. everytime i sit down to work on homework... i want to fall asleep. everytime. even if i just woke up. or if i got 24 hours of sleep the night before... its just a natural reflex.... time for homework... nap time! like now.

6. my knee has been twitching for over 24 hours. it is kinda freaking me out.... my mom coworker told me it was probably because of stress. pssssh. *i'm* not stressed.

7. i started working on this on saturday morning and it is monday afternoon. this was super hard for me because the things people dont know about me are super personal. LOL.


and like everyone else... ive run out of people to tag... because we all have the same friends haha. so if anyone hasnt done this yet. consider yourself offically tagged.

My prom is wherever you are. [That's what im gunna say!]

*sigh*

i dont even have words. it was so effing amazing.

its you! YOU smell like laundry!

The Rule of Five
Answer these 5 sets of 5 Questions...


5 People Who Made You do something you didn't want to, but ended up being grateful they did.

1. Herman & Amy, they made me do everything i didnt want to do and it made me develop a very healthy respect for authority and an honest love for serving in the church.

2. Alexis, photography wise she is forever making me do things i think are a good idea, but come the day of im unhappy and anxious beyond all reason... but after its all over i know its worth it. and friend wise she wants me to answer questions that make me put my head on the kitchen table but her advice always makes it worth it because i know she only wants whats best for me.

3. Candice, made me commit to circle time and i was petrified at even the thought of opening up to anyone again. but doing so gave me a friend i know i can truely depend on, and honestly as hard and obnoxious as im sure it was for her to listen to me it really helped saying some things out loud.

4. All the <3 girls [sarah, candice, cassandra, stacey, nicky, alexis, susanna, denise, brittany, cassi, shanna, & annie], made me make friends... or remake friends. and i wouldnt trade the relationships have now for anything.

5. My parents, clearly thru my 21 years they have made me do plenty of things i didnt want to but their rules and guidance has molded me into the well adjusted person i am today ;]



5 Things people don't know about you.

1. when i meet a new person, i often wonder how i will react when they leave me.

2. i am afraid of failing out of college.

3. my newest fear is that my love is invalid.

4. i know i need to change, but im scared of what change will bring.

5. i want to cry right now.



5 Things that make you smile.

1. <3 girls

2. text messages

3. wednesdays

4. hair dye

5. the office



5 Songs that represent your life. (this is really hard... and the songs are just randomly selected from itunes.. probably in alphabetical order haha.)

1. i need you to love me- barlow girl

2. ever ever after- carrie underwood

3. headlights- the classic crime

4. the stand- hillsong united

5. miracle- paramore



5 Places you want to visit.

1. New York

2. Hawaii [again]

3. All up over Europe

4. Illinois [again :D]

5. Canada





**HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHOEBE!**

You don't have to yell. It's not a train station. We're in a tiny car.

i should be working out right now.
but i dont feel like it.
instead im going to lay down on the couch.
maybe fix another cup of coffee.
and watch drop dead gorgeous.

maybe ill jog around the block a few times though.
when i was driving home an old man was doing that.
it looked like a good idea.

oh and the real reason of this blog
is to say that remember how in august
i spent $67.61 eating out?
well for september
i only spent $25.80.
im pretty proud of myself. :D

but i feel like a douche bag right now.

lets dance, douche bag!

i want this to be a supremely amazing post to match my supremely amazing title. but i doubt thats going to happen. because i really dont have anything exciting to say.

today after church candice and cassandra came over for lunch. we all laughed so hard. the ice maker broke, south africa is like torrance, everyones ditching their families to come over for thanksgiving, my mom's going to guest star on cabrillo beach, oh and we have a "shut up!" sign in the living room now. :D finally!

after that we went on a bike ride. we rode from avenue i in redondo to 2nd street in hermosa. it was amazing! 5.5 miles! and we got called BIKERS by some random boys playing volleyball! tour de france here we come!! :D FERSHER [usher!]

now im home. reading secrets and texting. a normal night... nothing to interesting or exciting. some nights is good to get wrapped up in other peoples secrets... the ones that make you smile, the ones that make you giddy, the ones that make you teary, and the ones i think i wrote.

i went to my suicide hotline church last night...

about a month ago i log onto one of my alltime favorite websites to find that Frank Warren is speaking at USC in September. throughout the day i got about 4 texts from RANDOM people that i havent talked to since high school, telling me what i had already read. haha.

well last night was the night. i got off work. drove straight to alexis' house picked her up and headed out to USC. we got to the auditorium about 45 minutes early and stood behind some super obnoxious people the whole time. once the line FINALLY starts moving we get all the way to the door only to be told that very few people are going to be let in because the place is packed. yeah well, very few people totaled to FOURTEEN people. AND because the place was so packed they were filling random empty seats through the auditorium... best night ever! we were seated in the 2nd row center, while the obnoxious people in front of us were all the way up in the balcony. win. ;]

it was so amazing. I've seen frank warren give the whole post secret presentation before... but its just so wonderful i cant even explain how happy i was to be there... i feel stupid saying that, but it is something i truely love. just thought i would share..

without the shades and the hair you can go anywhere

i feel like im failing in the "being a friend" area of my life lately.

its been a about a year [give or take for a few friends here and there] since i *really* started having more than just one friend. and i dont think anyone understands exactally how hard thats been for me... not even me. its hard for me to open up and be trusting [clearly!] and the fact that ive found people to open up to, just ever so slightly, makes me uncomfortable.

don't get me wrong its not an "i dont trust you or believe that you'll keep my stupid secrets" kind of uncomfortable. its a "i'm being really honest with you, and i think i'm hurting you in the process, and hurting you is the very LAST thing i would ever want to do, but i dont know how to change my point of view so i should probably just put another layer of plastic wrap over my book and shut up so we stop fighting and i stop being a burden" kind of uncomfortable.

having people depend on and even... *shudders* love me back when i love them is HARD for me. [yes i know that sounds stupid.] i really do love you all so much i don't mean to make it hard to love or even like me.

so i guess what im trying to say is i'm sorry. give me time... im working on being a better friend.

when it rains...

brooklyn freedom. fersher.

so this is kind of a real post.

i need another job. not a new job... but an additional job. im like b-r-o-k-e. i have about $20 to last me till the 15th. im not clearly not the best budgeter in the universe. and im not complaining... dont get me wrong. its my own fault that i havent gotten another job.

i was just looking at my spending report and my bank statement and during the month of august i spent $67.61 eating out. WTF. thats insane. i cant afford that!

so this is my kindofsortof public statement that im going to start spending my money more wisely.. since its basically nonexistant anyway haha... and the first way im going to do that is cutting eating out. and maybe that will help me lose weight.

the end.

im slippin into the lava

ive been insanely busy latey. and its been amazing fersher. but i dont feel like writing about it. so i will leave you with an obnoxious amout of secrets.

mature and mentally stable?

i took a month off blogging.

not for any particular reason... and not because it was a goal or something i resolved to do. it just happened. i havent been good at verbalizing my thoughts or issues lately [lately? who am i kidding... more like ever. LOL] so there was just never anything to say.

but this last month has been busy, full of lots of fun stuff.

• a trip to 2 states ive never been to: Indiana and Illinois [the "s" is silent!]. Where i met so many new friends... that were really more like family by the end of the week.
• i turned 21 [but i'm not allowed ot talk about that haha!]
• i went to the new BJs [!]
• played pool party
• had a photoshoot... or rewind. built a wall and THEN had a photoshoot.
• I've texted... alot.
• went to the midnight showing of the dark knight [heath <3]
• drank lots of coffee
• watched seasons 1-3 of the office [ryyyyan the teeemp]
• went on a few after midnight InO runs :P
• saw the HSM3 preview!!
• got the "susanna susanna staceeeeee" song stuck in my head 93 thousand times
• i've napped in a hammock
• cleaned my room... and made it messy again.
• shot my first wedding!
• mailed a giant package across the country
• had friends visit me on my lunch break at work for the first time
• started reading twilight
• learned that i need to quit the library when i get my first rubber insect
• wrote an essay [and got a B]
• honestly i've had a bunch of emotional issues without actually getting emotional. which really shouldnt qualify me as mature or mentally stable [i mask my emotions well ;]muahahah] but, i kinda made a decision to commit to "circle time"... which isnt going to fix anything, it could make things worse lol. but the fact that i commited is such a giant scary step for me...

and thats all i can think of right now, athough im sure there is so much more. ill attempt to blog more... its only fair since i expect everyone else to blog haha.

the end.

at the risk of being emo..

taken directly from the PostSecret website...

"

there are no words, in any language verbal or pictorial, that could ever describe how much i wish this postcard were for me.

today is my last visit to the site, never again. it hurts too much, seeing postcards like the one i need, knowing it will never come."


Its not that i feel this way, its that i can feel the pain of the people who posted this. PostSecret breaks me like nothing else.