Birthdays & Goals

So, yesterday was my birthday.

After my first week on HMR [when I lost 9lbs!] I decided it was totally smart to set a goal of losing 25lbs in 36 days. Losing 25lbs by my 26th birthday sounded ah-mazing and if I'm being honest-- really, it's only fair. I had after-all given myself 6 months to work towards that goal... but nothing worked so I was forced into that time crunch.

I did not make it. But that's ok.

As of yesterday I've lost 19 lbs on HMR. I think that's pretty ok.

And now for new, public goals.

I have 3 more weigh-ins in the month of July and I'm going to set the bar high [again.] and aim to lose 10 more pounds by my July 30th weigh in.

How am I going to do that?

Stick with the program. 5-6 shakes per day. Try to pre-make puddings as much as possible. If my puddings are made and all I have to do is grab them from the fridge I spend less time in the kitchen and the less time I spend there the waaaaaay better.

I am still having egg whites in the morning and I also added black coffee into the mix. Day 3 of black coffee and it's nowhere near as good as coffee with creamer but hopefully I'll get accustomed to it. My mugs were so lonely. And I think I'm ready to just give up on salsa all together. In the last few weeks I've bought my favorite salsa twice, three times when you count yesterday, and I've made the "pizza" recipe that comes with the program and with every try it's more and more gross. I really miss salty foods but this fake chip/pizza crust idea is not working for me at.all.

I'm also going to try to up my work-outs. The goal in the program is to burn 2000 calories a week. With my current workout schedule with classes at the gym I'm burning WELL over that amount. Practically 2900 a week. I want to try and push myself to burn 3500 a week. 3500 calories is equal to 1lb so I just want to try and lose an "extra" pound a week through exercise alone. And that realistically just means going to the gym a little more than an extra hour a week.

My last goal is more mental/comfort based than it is related to an actual number on the scale. My ultimate ultimate goal is to be comfortable with where I end up, but in that comfort I want to be able to wear dresses when I photograph weddings. Instead of trying to cover myself in as much black to hide my body as possible I would love to be able to wear cute flats and a flowy dress instead of sweating to death in 115 degree summer weddings. Right now I own one dress. One. And I'm forcing myself to wear it once a week-- even out in public-- just to get used to wearing a dress period. The long term goal is to be comfortable wearing a *new* dress for Karen's wedding August 24th the short term goal is to possibly be comfortable enough to wear the dress I already own to my last July wedding on the 27th. I have 17 days to work up to that.

As a recap these are my goals:
1. Lose 10 lbs by July 30th
2. Up my exercise to 3500 calories a week
3. Possibly wear a dress to Jacy's wedding.

starbucks: its like a gas station... for your soul!

this is everything i need to do today:

order material for portraits in the park... even though no one is booking so i should just save my money and put that towards my Canada trip... :[

pick a date for the headshots shoot with Karen

finish the headshots flyer

buy plane tickets for Canada

unpack and do laundry from the trip

deposit paycheck

pay bills

order Jasmyns prom picture prints

renew drivers license

set up direct loans payment account

fill out direct desposit paperwork

edit last day at HHS pictures

take nyquil and prepare for another 8 hour day tomorrow.

you just threw your trash in my food. you stupid stupid whore!

this is just a mental list that needs to be documented somewhere besides my mind. a sort of.. post of goals? i guess. just some things i need to work on and become more consistant with.

1. praying/bible study: i'm tired of having a complacent life. the end.

2. journaling: a friend told me almost 5 years ago that i should never stop journaling. i didnt listen. i think he was right and if i start writing [not blogging] i will be able to release some stress of things i cant say aloud. and it ultimately make me more sane.

3. working out: when i was paying for a gym membership i used to work out twice a day sometimes... i could run 5 miles... and now im just fat[er] and i cant afford a gym membership anymore. so i really need to work on walking/jogging/workout dvds at home.

4. there was a forth... i forget it now. maybe it was stop being so bitter... but i was too bitter to remember. or maybe it was move out... i dont remember. im sure i will eventually.

why are you beating me with my own coffee cup!?

things i need to do in the near future [like today]

• order prints of pictures to hang in my room
• finish laundry
• pluck my eyebrows
• go for a walk
• buy candice a birthday present ;]
• clean out under my bed
• find someone to photograph
• look into building my backdrop stand again
• take a nap

i'm sure more will come... but thats all i can think of now. *takes drink of coffee*

she's a whore. how many cats do you have!?!

i feel the need to post a "new year" post. so here it goes.... 14 hours into 2009 :] i've been home from south dakota for... about 2 days now. and those 2 days have been a blur. our plane landed at 10am and i went home, refixed my hair and was off to work in about 1.5 hours. by 9 when it was time for me to get off, i was exhausted... but i had a really good first night back @ work. i smiled alot. :] then i came home and hung out with an amazing friend.

wednesday morning was really good for me. i woke up really cranky, i hadnt sleep well and had to wake up early for work. but instead of really getting ready to go i made coffee and sat on the couch and drank it. all by myself. it was so amazing. everyone in the house was asleep and i was alone for the first time in almost 2 weeks. it wasnt even that long that i sat there... just enough time to finish a cup of coffee but it was so good for me, profound even.

i know you're probably thinking wtf does that have to do with the new year?

my morning continued like any normal morning at home would... i got ready for work and headed off to manhattan beach. but this morning i had my new ipod to listen to and it was playing on a worship mix that i made awhile back. the song "a little longer" by brian and jenn johnson came on.. and im sure you all know it but ill post part of the lyrics anyway.

"Then I hear You sing to me
'You... don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute

Wait... this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here with Me
And love on Me a little longer
I'd love to be with you a little longer
'Cause I'm in love with you'"

i had a total girl moment in my car on the 405 where i heard this and just cried. i've had so many questions in the last year, so many concerns, so many old fears resurface and new fears set up camp in the front of my mind, and so much drama even in the last month that yesterday morning hearing this song just broke me.

Just simply be with me and let those things go.
that speaks volumes to me. it doesnt say "just be with me and let those things go." it says *simply*. its supposed to be an easy choice to set all of these concerns down to just *be* with Jesus. He isn't judging me based on who my friends are, or what jokes i make, or points i give, or pictures i take, or what my "status" is, or where i go to school, or what secrets i have, or how loud i laugh, or how much i text, or what clique im in. He just wants me to be able to set that aside and be with Him.

Thats my new years resolution. i need to let things go. not let them rule my life anymore and just *simply* be with Jesus. i honestly think if i can manage that... then everything else will fall into place. friendships will mend. i will loose my negitive self esteem points. i wont be so afraid of everything. maybe i'll be able to accept a compliment without fighting it. maybe i will be able to make eye contact. ;] and maybe i'll believe in love.

thats all.

he *is* blind! thats why he has no eyes.

things to do in the next day... or week:

• take photoshop for photographers midterm
• write a rough draft research paper for english.
• finish week 7 quiz for english
• finish week 7 quiz for film history
• take 6 pics for my photo essay midterm for color photo
• catch up on 2 missed color photo assignments :[
• participate in english discussions
• participate in color photo discussions
• participate in photoshop for photographers discussion
• participate in film history discussion
• do my "chase the lion" bible study hw
• catch up on "believing God" bible study hw
• do laundry [and put it away :/]
• shop for a bulletin board
• get decorations for trunk or treat
• take Twin to work and pick her up
• proctor SATs
• play "wednesday"
• clean off bathroom countertop
• make sure kitchen stays clean while 'rents are gone
• fit 24hrs @ wk in there somewhere
• make omars buttons
• make brian a new button
• make buttons of PJ amazingness
• if theres time see HSM3 ♥
• try not to get overwhelmed. :[

mature and mentally stable?

i took a month off blogging.

not for any particular reason... and not because it was a goal or something i resolved to do. it just happened. i havent been good at verbalizing my thoughts or issues lately [lately? who am i kidding... more like ever. LOL] so there was just never anything to say.

but this last month has been busy, full of lots of fun stuff.

• a trip to 2 states ive never been to: Indiana and Illinois [the "s" is silent!]. Where i met so many new friends... that were really more like family by the end of the week.
• i turned 21 [but i'm not allowed ot talk about that haha!]
• i went to the new BJs [!]
• played pool party
• had a photoshoot... or rewind. built a wall and THEN had a photoshoot.
• I've texted... alot.
• went to the midnight showing of the dark knight [heath <3]
• drank lots of coffee
• watched seasons 1-3 of the office [ryyyyan the teeemp]
• went on a few after midnight InO runs :P
• saw the HSM3 preview!!
• got the "susanna susanna staceeeeee" song stuck in my head 93 thousand times
• i've napped in a hammock
• cleaned my room... and made it messy again.
• shot my first wedding!
• mailed a giant package across the country
• had friends visit me on my lunch break at work for the first time
• started reading twilight
• learned that i need to quit the library when i get my first rubber insect
• wrote an essay [and got a B]
• honestly i've had a bunch of emotional issues without actually getting emotional. which really shouldnt qualify me as mature or mentally stable [i mask my emotions well ;]muahahah] but, i kinda made a decision to commit to "circle time"... which isnt going to fix anything, it could make things worse lol. but the fact that i commited is such a giant scary step for me...

and thats all i can think of right now, athough im sure there is so much more. ill attempt to blog more... its only fair since i expect everyone else to blog haha.

the end.

bonding... while taking measurements... at alexis's house.

so, i have the day off tomorrow... or today. its a whole 24 hours of me time. im slightly torn as to what im going to do.

my plan was work and laundry. clean out my car. you know fun stuff like that. but now i have the greatest desire to go to disneyland. i cant decide if its lame to go alone or amazing beyond ALL comprehension. i could always work on monday... before going to *real* work. but i told puppy that i would stay home with her all day tomorrow. =[

decisions decisions....

things to do

everytime i start a blog i start with the word "so" and after i type it i'm like NO thats such a stupid way to start... so i have to delete it and start over. it makes me laugh.

anyway this is whats going on the next week.

today: work till 6, come home hang/fold/put away laundry, brainstorm about final.

friday: work all day till 6, come home work on MML emails.

saturday: shoot final? or go Christmas shopping... or do both at the same time? mall madness is so photojournalistic. lol.

sunday: church all day maybe christmas shopping?

monday: touch up final, print, buy mount boards and mount pictures. [i just realized thats going to cost about $40.. ugh] go to nicky's for bible study christmas party and "Chapter 9" oh and take susanna to my library. =]

tuesday: work till 5:30.. get to class by 7. turn in and critique [ugh] final. potentially play christmas with amber??

wednesday: hang out with zoran/finish all christmas shopping! maybe go to youth christmas party?

thursday: pack pack pack.. leave for SD.

and on top of all that i need to go to joanns, buy a shirt from torrid, take family pictures, loose 5lbs, pluck my eyebrows, and PRAY that my car doesnt die before january 15th... after then would be nice too but at least till then!