she's a whore. how many cats do you have!?!

i feel the need to post a "new year" post. so here it goes.... 14 hours into 2009 :] i've been home from south dakota for... about 2 days now. and those 2 days have been a blur. our plane landed at 10am and i went home, refixed my hair and was off to work in about 1.5 hours. by 9 when it was time for me to get off, i was exhausted... but i had a really good first night back @ work. i smiled alot. :] then i came home and hung out with an amazing friend.

wednesday morning was really good for me. i woke up really cranky, i hadnt sleep well and had to wake up early for work. but instead of really getting ready to go i made coffee and sat on the couch and drank it. all by myself. it was so amazing. everyone in the house was asleep and i was alone for the first time in almost 2 weeks. it wasnt even that long that i sat there... just enough time to finish a cup of coffee but it was so good for me, profound even.

i know you're probably thinking wtf does that have to do with the new year?

my morning continued like any normal morning at home would... i got ready for work and headed off to manhattan beach. but this morning i had my new ipod to listen to and it was playing on a worship mix that i made awhile back. the song "a little longer" by brian and jenn johnson came on.. and im sure you all know it but ill post part of the lyrics anyway.

"Then I hear You sing to me
'You... don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute

Wait... this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here with Me
And love on Me a little longer
I'd love to be with you a little longer
'Cause I'm in love with you'"

i had a total girl moment in my car on the 405 where i heard this and just cried. i've had so many questions in the last year, so many concerns, so many old fears resurface and new fears set up camp in the front of my mind, and so much drama even in the last month that yesterday morning hearing this song just broke me.

Just simply be with me and let those things go.
that speaks volumes to me. it doesnt say "just be with me and let those things go." it says *simply*. its supposed to be an easy choice to set all of these concerns down to just *be* with Jesus. He isn't judging me based on who my friends are, or what jokes i make, or points i give, or pictures i take, or what my "status" is, or where i go to school, or what secrets i have, or how loud i laugh, or how much i text, or what clique im in. He just wants me to be able to set that aside and be with Him.

Thats my new years resolution. i need to let things go. not let them rule my life anymore and just *simply* be with Jesus. i honestly think if i can manage that... then everything else will fall into place. friendships will mend. i will loose my negitive self esteem points. i wont be so afraid of everything. maybe i'll be able to accept a compliment without fighting it. maybe i will be able to make eye contact. ;] and maybe i'll believe in love.

thats all.

dear diary, mood apathetic

my life is spiraling downward. i couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry Concert. It sucks cause they play some of my favorite songs like 'Stab My Heart Because I Love You,' and 'Rip Apart My Soul,' and of course, 'Stabby Rip Stab Stab."... wait. jk.

so, its been an insanely long time since i posted a *real* blog. and its basically because i went thru and read my old blogs and was like. crap. i dont want this to be the place i come and be emo. i dont want to be *that girl* where you see i updated and think "great. another sarcastically sad post because her life is crappy." haha.

i read my less-than-three girls blogs and everyone is posting how God is moving amazingly in their lives and doors are being opened and i am so so so so SO happy to hear that! i dont want to be the downer blog. so i havent really posted. because lately my impulse posts... would be pretty emo. AND i should be able to be grown up and actually talk about my issues instead of blogging vague emotastic paragraphs that make sense to no one. [like that will ever happen! HAHA]

so heres a little peek into my brain. In an effort to really "blog". A thought that was brought on by the beth moore bible study tonight. After every passover comes a pentecost. We all know the story of Jesus' betrayal after "the last supper" that supper was Passover... and basically not the best day ever. Then 50 days later, was the Day of Pentecost, after Jesus accended to Heaven He told His followers to wait, because He was going to send "the comforter". He KNEW what was going to happen!! And He told them to wait because He wanted them to experiance it! God's not going to leave me because He already knows whats going to happen. Hes not looking at my life saying "wow, she *is* emo! that sucks." *walks away* =[ I'd like to imagine He's looking at me in anticipation of the ending of this season, excited to see the day that *im* excited to be alive. [i think there will be lots of glitter falling around me that day haha] just thought id share. the end.

by 1:37 exactally....

this is a quick post... i had a slight ephipany at church this morning. and it made me smile. a few weeks ago on a wednesday night i had no intention of going to church. candice and i were going to watch enchanted... and have a grand old time. but i happened to be convinced to go by alexis. =] and lets just say that the night didnt go according to plan by anyones standards. at the time i had really been struggling with if i was going to go back to calvary or if i was going to stay far far away. and that night made me realizeif i can LOVE this place amidst all the drama... then it must really be love. and now im back. then i thought of this amazing empire records clip and it made me have a big smile.



[sorry for the bad quality.. i couldnt find it on youtube so i had to make my own!]

i'd make and f-wording good mother

so... i feel obligated to blog. dont know why. still dont have much to say. haha. i can honestly say angsty doesnt describe my mood right now. [although it is still my myspace status because i <3 that word!] ive slightly... very slightly moved forward and now i just have moments of sadness. ugh. which usually occur when im sitting alone and have time to think. like now.

but instead of being all emotastic i'll tell you about the amazing weekend i had. i stayed the night at candice's house on friday night. so fun! we stayed up till 3:30ish watching movies about people from van nuys LOL.

then i spent saturday with the youth at 6 flags. that was pretty funny. i hung out mostly with sarah, nate, brian, and becca. we had some good times and lots of laughs. and i saw falling up whom i love very much. so that was exciting.

when we got home from 6 flags sarah and i went to in n out and picked up dinner for us and for zoran and dropped zorans off at the hospital and then made our way back to church to wait for 1am to come. because at 1am was the start of RE:'s hour of the 24 hours of prayer. it was basically amazing. [especially if you can look past the part where i was hot.. dirty.. tired.. and probably smelled after a loooong day lol] but it was exciting because there were a bunch of us! and it was remincent of my early morning prayer days. <3 ... i could be really vulnerable right now. but after typing it out. i am so choosing not to be LOL.

and now its sunday night. im waiting for REM sleep to come even though its still pretty early. and im basically excited about a day off tomorrow.

::happy dance::

so, i was going thru a box of stuff today and made 2 amazing discoveries.

1. i found my medical insurance card. YAY! that means new glasses for stacee!!

2. I FOUND THE 'WORSHIP MIX' CD!!!!!!!!! that is the best news ever!! i have been looking for it for forever!! and it is found!!! and it plays. i thought it would be scratched beyond all reason.. but it works!!! so excited.

now if only i could find my Bible... life would be complete.

im am beyond angry!

ok seriously. when did the people on this planet decide to become totally ridiculous!?! i love my friends. i love the old ones ive known for years and i love the ones ive just gotten close with over the last few months and to see them being really just attacked pisses me off! especially when the "attacking" is coming through the mouths of "Christians".

i know im probably going to get called out on posting an "inappropriate" blog, but but its not only about what everyone thinks its about... its about so much more.

as ive been writing this one other thing came to mind... at the retreat it was spoken over us as the "insert whatever you want here" girls. that God has given us this relationship for a reason and we need to stand by each other in our times of trials. i wasnt expecting to need to stand so soon, and i hope im doing a good enough job standing...

and i will end with an appropriate time to curse.

seriously, F off satan!

carmel light frappuccino no whip with caramel on top.

for the daniel bible study beth moore encouraged us to give up "rich meats" for the first half of the study. [6 weeks] well... giving up rich meats isnt really a sacrafice for me because well, im not meats biggest fan. so i've been trying to think of things i could give up that would be meaningful to me.

i thought the internet... but one of my jobs is online and that would be a fail. lol. and then last night i had an epiphany.

so here is my offical declaration. i will not be going to starbucks for 12 weeks. i am not giving up coffee... no one would be my friend i would be to cranky LOL... just starbucks. meaning no going into a store and buying my beloved drink of carmely goodness.

it really is my desire to draw close to God in this time in my life and im really praying my sacrafice, no matter how small it is, will help take me to places i havent been in a long time with my Jesus. and i'm basically excited. [and only a tad sad!]

refraining from inserting embarassing womens retreat quotes here.

i dont really have much to say... but i feel like i need to say something.

i really had an amazing weekend. words cant describe how excited and unsure i was going into this retreat. it was the first time i have been somewhere expecting something from God in... maybe and sadly years? at least a year, singular. i desperately wanted something anything from God but i was scared. i was scared to be vulnerable to my Savior and in front of my friends.

aside from the "spritual" part i was so ecstatic to be going away for the weekend with friends. staying up with sarah and candice till 4:30 on friday night/saturday morning was amazing. we laughed and joked and even talked serious for a little while. it was really a great "bonding" experiance. the daytime hours were great too it was so exciting to have an almost unlimited amount of time to be together. there was no time constraints trying to shove bible study and catching up on the last 2 weeks of life before midnight because everyone has to work the next day. i loved it!

God really did open my eyes to something this weekend that i have avoided for so long that i really forgot that it was there. ive been trying to be so strong for so long that i forgot that i was broken... so very broken. But my God is Jehovah-Rophe: the Lord who Heals and i really am claiming that over my life.

now i just need to do the deciding. lol.

oh rexy, youre so sexy!!

so, lots has been happening lately. well not really but ive been working lots of extra hours at the library the last few weeks so i havent had the time to update like normal. so i FINALLY got some of the pictures off my wall of amazingness that is no longer in existance. old times and good times =] they're basically all from my youth. yay for my youth!!!


this past thursday at bible study we were sitting around nickys table having pizza when shanna denise and i started having a conversation with candice about our plus one days. OMG. it was so amazing!! all the hilarious memories. now, i'm not saying that im proud of my insane obsession, but i will say that there were MANY good times!! rummaging in the foliage, under the bus, vandalizing the bus, meeting nathan and then the rest, jogging pictures, meeting the whore lance, getting ON the bus! so many long nights and weekends. my cousin IMed me the other day asking about plus one. and i was so able to tell her what they were all doing with their lives now. it was almost pathetic, but so expected considering how i spent my young obsessive life.

speaking of bible study, we finished Captivating!!! finally. i was trying to remember when we started it and i thought we started in september but after doing the research on nickys myspace i realized we started in JULY, JULY!! holy crap 7 months to read a 12 chapter book. that is so hardcore. we're lucky we finished before the women! LOL so now we can start the Daniel study kazzzahhh!!! we really need to add to our rules and make them say that it is illegal to cancel so often! i love bible study. and i really didnt hate Captivating, let me rephrase that i never hated Captivating. it had its cheesy moments about twirling skirts and horses. but i never opened my book and said uhhhhhg. and im so thankful for the friendships that i have developed during our hours and hours and hours in nickys living room. its kind of funny how i spend so much time bottling everything up inside so no one really knows what im feeling but while answering our questions [with a little "q"] i discovered i have lots to "confess" we would move on and in my mind i would be like crap i have more to say?!? and then i would just not say it lol. i really need to bust out my journal and start writing again. the only problem is when the f is there time for that??

this is already a long post, but i have so many more pictures that i need to put up so now im just wasting space and rambling. except i cant think of anything to ramble about. amber and i took knitting classes for the past 3 sundays. they were so amazing, i never finished my sock but i got to sit on comfy couches with the cutest yarn on the planet with my bestest friend laughing at how horrible our knitting skills are! and about how the one day we turned the radio on how everyone was haterating on the beastie boys!! LOL i want to build a scarf now, because that is what im good at. but i kind of want to make a blanket. just because i can, but i cant really. but now that we dont have a set aside 4 hours of knitting i doubt i will actually be knitting anytime soon.


now im really running out of things to say. but this picture right over there <-- has a hilarious night attached to it. WORD! i want to have a photoshoot so badly. i wish that it would stop raining. i had an amazing idea today and i was going to walk down to the beach on my lunch break but then it was raining =[ and since we live 5 seconds from train tracks now i want so badly to take pictures of a couple on the them! and then i was looking at someones pictures who knows where and i decided i need a studio. because then i could have amazing rooms with amazing backdrops. its a little sad because i have this amazing camera that i want to play with so much but no one to really take pictures of. one day i'll be able to convince someone or more than one someone to have a random day of photoshoot with me. but first i need an entire day where i am not working. bleh.

now i have really run out of things to say. i have aboslutely nothing left except maybe i love veronica mars. so now i am just going to give up on making the pictures look all cute and fitted in with my writing and just post them. the end. hope the old pics make you all smile as much as i did!

"schools out scream and shout!"

last night was my last final. im so excited that it is over! mostly because i disliked my last nights class. and im hoping with all of my heart that i passed it. i had an 88% but i dont know how well i did on my final. so i dont think my percentage can drop 18% from one grade... hopefully!

in other news church on sunday night was absolutly amazing. it was FUSE as usual, but the theme was "worship through the ages" at first i was like yay! worship night! and then... they called it a production... and then i was having visions of christmas music and amber and i made a deal that if they sang more than 3 christmas songs we would go home. lol. well they sang 3 christmas songs but we didnt leave and im glad. and it was amazing!

they started with 200AD where people worshiped by reading/singing the psalms. and a youth boy did just that. then they moved to ireland in 700AD and had a bagpipe player play and people sing along to that then they had someone come sing in latin because at one time that was the universal language of the church. then they moved to the spirituals that slaves in america sang around the time of the revolutionary war then to a southern baptist setting where the chior came up and everyone sang "I'll fly away" and "This little light of mine" then to the 80s where Cody came out [in a mullet wig! lol] and sang "Awesome God" by Ray Boltz and then to the 90s where we sang "Shout to the Lord" by Darlene Zschech... i havent heard that song in so long! it brought back many memories of youth drama team lol. but it was so amazing! then they had the whole worship team come up and sing a song that some of the youth had written [it is a song a absoultely adore too!] and then to close they had one of the youth sing "Amazing Grace" in this new fun way i also love love love that song. =] it was so great. =] Jesus is so amazing!