*sigh*
a really good friend recently told me that i am a closed book. a book closed, and taped shut. except for one little corner that i every now and then let open, but only for certain people. it made me laugh because i had just been realizing that myself. so i am making an attempt at vulnerablity and opening my small corner a little tiny bit, so you can see at least the page number of my book. =]
im pretty scared. you know how people say that the ones who love us the most can hurt us the worst. that scares me in an almost paralyzing way. i am so insecure in who i am that when i hang out with my most amazing friends i am scared to open up too much because the last thing i would ever want is to give someone i love so very much any leverage to cause me pain. im just getting to or am just past the point of no return in some of my most cherished relationships and im feeling the need to take 12 GIANT steps backwards and then run far far away before i do get hurt. because im basically sure i cant handle the hurt anymore. and then when i think about running i can seriously convince myself that no one would notice. and as retarded as it is that hurts my feelings. i hurt my own feelings!
then im insecure in my decision making. for the last year i have been basically disconnected from who i was. i made a 'new' stacee and i was ok with that. i was going to move to the OC and forget my old life and disappear into the crowd and not worry about the people i was leaving behind. until God changed my mind. but now that i took a step... im frozen. at 24 hour prayer i was praying for zillions upon zillions of things and i felt at home for the first time in a long time. and then it just hit me.... i cant even describe how uncomfortable i felt... like i didnt belong. like i would never really belong like i had in the past because i missed so much. and i know its all 'spiritual warfare' or whatever... but its just so real. and it hurts so deep.
and lets just touch for a second on my insecurites about school. AJ from empire records says something that resinates in my being while everyone is at debs 'funeral' he says, "is it better to know or not to know? i want to go to art school... but im scared" i keep putting off my registration... not calling the financial aide people and doing anything because i am so worried that i wont be good enough.
and right now im really insecure because it has taken me 3 days to write this... and im about to press 'publish post' and i dont want you to feel sorry for me because i dont have life figured out. even though i know that none of us do.... 
Forever and a day
7 years ago
5 comments:
I love that you labeled this "I must be EEEmo"...
I was soooo happy that you sat in on our group tonight!!!! Made me feel really special that you could have easily gone over to Alexis' or Nicky's group - but you stayed at mine!!! (I'm choosing to forget the part that we were right at the back door)
So - see you do make an impact on others' lives... even if you don't know it. And I'm not in anyway feeling sorry for you - just letting you know that you are by no means alone in this feeling. I was just having it myself the other day... (did you happen to see my status on myspace that I was going to delete my myspace?)
But - it WAS noticed that you left ... and would be noticed even more if you did it again!!!
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
Oh - and Orange county? my place that I always wanted to run away too and just disappear was/is Montana... why? Because I don't know anyone there.... does that make me EEEEmo too?
So I am about to write this long emotastic response...and I don't want you to feel all...whatever...about the things that are being said. By Cassi, By me, By anyone else...
Just last night I was telling Steven about the feelings I was having along the same lines.
Stacee...what would *I* do without you? You have helped me see a lot of who *I* am come alive again. You have been a truly amazing friend at a serious crossroad in my life.
Spiritual warfare is real. And it hurts. And it sucks.
It is WARfare after all. It's ugly, messy, and meant to destroy.
Calvary isn't right without you. When you are there a big hole is filled. Your smile, your spirit...they are vital.
I am really proud of you. Choosing to open up. To be vulnerable.
I'm also really happy Phoebe has you to look up too. You have no idea.
If she turns out anything like you I will be a very proud mother.
i've been trying to find ways to comment to this blog but it's hard (:
I've known you for many years and have seen you walk through many stages... it's natural. It's natural for us to feel things, and experience things that will make us want to guard ourselves from possible hurtful events. But in guarding yourself sometimes you miss out on things and i'm glad you've realized that.
I know we are all going through random things but the fact that you opened up means that you are willing to go through them together.
i <3 you.
Stacee,
I was fortunate enough to never have to have missed you.
You are amazing! Without you there would be no "which one?" and the Stacee/y's would cease to exist. I would just be one lonely Stacey by the side of the road. And then I would be EEEmo.
I love you!
Oh Stacee.... I'm gonna try not to get too emotional in this comment, but since we're both captivating now, it'll be hard not to!
I don't know if you'll ever know just how badly you were missed when you left Calvary. It wasn't just all the work you did, but it was YOU! I missed your personality, your humor. I've already told you how exceeding thankful to God I am that you're here again. It feels like Christmas to have all the family back home!!!
I love you so much!
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