-30

Yesterday I reached the -30lb mark.

It's crazy.

But I think the more crazy thing is that I don't feel any different. On the program every week I see a doctor. Usually our visit goes something like: "Hi, how are you." "Good, how are you!" "Any changes?" "Nope." "Exercising and drinking water?" "Lots of exercise, lots of water." "Great see you next week."

Yesterday after congratulating me on reaching 30lbs my doctor asked me if I felt any different. I said... yes? I mean, there's no denying I have most definitely changed. When I walk into a room full of mirrors at the gym my body most definitely isn't as horrifying as it used to be. And I'm proud of that.

But, I'm still wearing the same clothes size. I went to Target this week and tried on a few tops... and my goodness there is nothing quite like losing 30lbs and feeling enormous when you go clothes shopping. Will I start to feel different when I go down a jeans size? Will I ever go down a jeans size? So right now how it actually makes me feel is maybe I was wearing clothes that were way too small for my actual body size and I was walking around for years in way-too-small clothes. 

I am a ridiculously huge fan of The Biggest Loser and almost every season when the contestants get to a certain point at their time on the ranch they have some kind of challenge that forces them to carry around the weight that they've lost. Whether it's in the form of actual weights or in tangible "everyday" items like a 10-lb bag of potatoes, so they can see how much those extra pounds actually slow them down... I wonder if that would make me "feel" any different. 

If I'm being honest and vulnerable I know that it won't.

In the emotional and tear-filled days I spent making the decision to start this program I told God I wanted to do this with Him. That every day I was going to wake up and give Him my day and my hunger and my want for coffee creamer and my tears and exhaustion, I wanted Him to hold my hand. But 10 weeks have gone and I can probably count the number of times I did that one one hand. So I guess right now what losing 30lbs feels like is success coming at the cost of failure. 

Hopefully the next 10 weeks will be a success on both counts.