complete honest..ness

ok, so ive really been wanting to have a place to blog private blogs but right now i'm going to be completely honest mostly about things that i dont even care to keep private. lol.

i love the disney channel. the new disney original movie makes me smile even if i only saw the last 10 minutes of it when the boy was happy he was friends with the other boy. if i had DVR i would record the new hannah montana episodes every weekend. When i got my new phone, "What time is it" from HSM2 was my ringtone.. until i became obsessed with Wicked. and i really really really want to go see the Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus Best of Both Worlds 3D movie and am a little dissapointed that the Jonsas Brothers aren't part of it.

i got a myspace message today, from a boy i don't know. it said,

"ur truely beautiful, ur smile is truely enchanting,
and i love how the light catches ur eyes just right
and makes them sparkle, ur truely lovely"

and i must admit that i smiled... ok i'll admit even more... i smiled alot. even though i have no idea who the heck this boy is and its basically spam.... but according to his profile he is a "Christian" he has a picture of himself... maybe? and BarlowGirl together... and we actually have a "real" friend in common. not that i would pursue this in ANY way!!!!!!

i'm scared that if i go to this school for photography i still wont be good enough to make a career out of it. as much as i love looking at other peoples pictures of weddings and birthdays and engagements and all kinds of things they make me insecure. because will i ever be able to take pictures that are good enough to have people pay for? will school even be able to help that? and even if i can... do i have enough "people skills" to deal with.. people?

i've been reading in Exodus since in my daily bible thing you start at the begining in the begining of the year. and i have had the strongest desire to see the Prince of Egypt... i ordered it at the library [because ours is packed] and am probably going to watch it tomorrow night.

and then i think i'm going crazy. [alexis please still let me be friends with your daughter... i'll be normal around her i promise!] i have so many emotions and confusions going on right now that i dont even know where to turn. i want to talk but who do i talk to? and if i talk.. i may break my heart of stone and actually breakdown. i pray... but there isnt an immediate response... i dont even know what response i want! uuuugghhhh!!!

i do know that i love my puppy. who is sleeping on my lap.

almost 6 years....

with moving comes packing. and with packing comes memories.

ive been reading old notes, that said we'd be best friends forever, looking through old yearbooks and thanking God im not in high school anymore!! and laughing over old so many old plus one psycho biographys and quizzes and i can't help but see that life is so different from when i was 14. so different.

in the last few hours ive been been thinking that life would be so much eaiser if i was 14 again. no work, constant concerts, volunteering!, always having time for friends, no grown up decisions, and so many other things that i miss! but even though i'm not content and more confused than ever with my life now, at least i have grown past my self loathing and parental drama. lol. its just sometimes, i wish that one day it would get eaiser.

thats all i'm really good for tonight. i am ill and now full of dust and in need of an overdose of nyquil so i can go to sleep now and wake up at a normal hour tomorrow.

and the scoop is i dropped out of community college and will be starting at the academy of art in the summer... unless i get scared and then ill go back to cypress college in the fall.

Academy of Art University

i am very much on my way to dropping out of school... and then restarting school online to get my BFA. i just hope i can get it done before 9:45 when i have to leave for work.

edit: reason 5 million i could never get married. i would never actually make it down the aisle because i get massive cold feet! it has been roughly 12 hours since i posted this and i cant really bring myself to drop my classes or email the advisor i've been talking to because: do i really want to spend this much money to go to school?! UGH!

so if you care to find me look to the western sky

i have been listening to the WICKED soundtrack for the last week and let me tell you i have the biggest desire to go see it now. i was always like eh whatever, but now i am like where is the $70 i need!!!! i am addicted. and i dont even really know what happens... i just love the music!! so much so i built myself a ringtone tonight. =] yay!

school started this past week, and i am torn. between love and loathe. sure it's photography but i hate sitting in classes and my teacher [same for both classes] is looooong winded. good part is i dont have to buy any textbooks this semster! talk about amazazing! i am very seriously looking into going to school here i just wish that i could get some faster answers from them. ugh.

um... zoran brought me a new radio for my car yesterday. i love zoran. i love him extra for giving me a radio that will let me plug my ipod into it!!! hes potentially going to install it for me on saturday when he comes over again to get some pics taken. =]

my newspaper wall is evolving and it makes me happy i love that more and more pople are getting their pics taken in front of it and it is so amazing! i have already started working on my other idea for a newspaper-like wall thats not made of newspaper i'm excited to build that one but i'm thinking i will need to build it inside so i can have more "dramatic" lighting with it... not that anyone cares lol.

i have a much more interesting post built up inside me but i need to relisten to something before i can really make sense of my thoughts.

oh and WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!

eeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

so, today has been a rather exciting day!

first of all, i built basically the best newspaper wall ever today. but no one else wants to come take pictures and it makes me sad. i want to bribe people... but i think thats crossing a line. =/

secondly, this will be arriving at my house in the next few weeks. hopefully sooner than week"s" days would be better!

thirdly, we found the most amazing house today! =] im praying praying praying that we get it! its 4 bdrms! meaning stacey could move in and i could move out. yay.

so today was a good day.

back to back posting!

today i got off of work and had no where to go! it was the first night i have been home [aka not in SD] and i didnt have to go to school! but alas it was the last night because school starts next week. so after work i stopped by teacher supplies because heather had asked me to bring her something. and i hung out there for an hourish.

then i get home and my dad says do you want to sit down for the bad news? and im thinking sad! we cant get DVR! =[ because i have been bugging him about it lately. and then he goes on to tell me we have to be out of our house by march 1st. because our landlords want to fix up the house so they can double the rent. and let me tell you our house is a piece of crap it has holes all up in the roof which cause leaks thru many light fixtures [scary!] and the bathtub leaks into the wall in our dining room so you can see a hole forming... there is no insilation basically in the whole house so it is always freezing cold and the list goes on and on.

so i have a few thoughts on the situation.

1. i think the situation is kinda crappy because i dont want my parents to be stressed out. i know money is tight and moving = paying more rent which = less money and we have just recently gotten into a situation where we arent constantly broke. so that makes me sad.

2. its also kind of good because one of my moms family members randomly has an empty house on oak st. in lomita which could actually potentially have 4 bedrooms. we've tried looking into renting it before but my gma wasnt overly helpful in getting information on who we should talk to but now in this dramatic situation she got us a phone number of someone to call.

3a. its also kind of good because my dad was wanting to look for a 4 bedroom house because he is going to ask shanna and i to pay rent [which i totally dont mind] so that we can all have our own rooms. but since i was already planning on moving out in march this is kind of like ok now i really am moving out because that means he can look for a 3 bdrm house which is less money. it just means i really am moving out.

3b. lets explore that for a second. me moving out. exciting. scary. exciting. scary. fun. =] amber and i have been discussing long beach because its cheap? no matter where you are in long beach you are convienant to a freeway which means i can still get to the library quickly, probably faster than i can on side streets from lomita, because i dont want to quit the library i love it there. and then its not super far from church. but again the freeway is convienant and church is right off the freeway. i heart the freeway. also san pedro is across the bridge from long beach... so bible study will not be difficult. and i can also take the freeway to school and i will be closer to school in long beach than lomita. but again long beach is only if the house/apartment by nickys house doenst work out because san pedro is also convienant to the freeway and basically a happy medium between our works [mine in manhattan beach ambers in long beach] church is off the freeway... disneyland is a little farther... lol. ::sigh!:: that was alot.

4. and then there is always the "i am SO ready to move out"... independent me but there is also the "really? can i do this??" scared me. and then im scared for my family because i love them and i want everything to work out for the best even if i'm not living with them anymore. and i know that my mom overstresses about things and my dad internalizes things [like me!] and i dont want this to cause unneeded stress and relational problems between everyone... we've just barely started to all get along!

5. its all just so complicated but a little [only a little!] exciting at the same time.

6. i know that everyone who reads this already knows about the whole situation and i can already trust that you are praying for peace and discernment and boxes =] but i cant help but ask again. and thank you for being the amazingly wonderful friends that i have and love.

want want want....

i've been taking lots of pictures lately. and every time i take pictures i have the strongest violence towards my camera only because it is an autofocus point and shoot.. i reeeeeeeally want a manual focus camera. reeeeeeeally badly. my extreme desire is for a canon 5d but... thats $2,000 without a lens! so ill basically settle for anything that lets me focus myself. so ive been looking around on ebay and i found this. a canon rebel xti kit that comes with the camera body, 3 lenses, 2 tripods, a memory card... and all kinds of good stuff for $700. about an hour ago i was ready to buy it to use part of my savings and a credit card to pay for it just so that i could have it. but then i decided not to.

instead i am waiting. i used some of the money in my savings acct. to pay off both of my credit cards. so i now offically have no debt. and now i will just start saving little by little... and hopefully i'll have my camera in a few months. i'm going to try to put in extra hours at MML to try and save more so soon i will have what i reeeally want!

in other news today is "monday" meaning... i need to start eating good again. and it is not as easy as it used to be! lol. darn holidays! but i am wearing a size smaller jeans than normal, i bought them on vacation and am wearing them for the first time... yay?

a little reflection....

after photoshooting yesterday i made myself a photography myspace and in doing so i have been looking at SO so sooooo many old pictures that i have saved on my computer. and i came across a few that were like oh gosh! in both bad and good ways... like oh gosh how did i ever let myself be photographed that way!? and oh gosh! you can actually tell i have lost weight this past year. and while its a little awkward to "blog" about my weight i thought i would post these just because its basically amazing. =]

the first picture was taken almost 1 year go on january 16, 2007 on the way home from palm springs with ambers family, the second was taken tonight january 03, 2008... i tried to mock the pose from the first but i couldnt make my head turn the right way lol.





it makes me feel like i need to pluck my eyebrows! LOL!

[nicky on the radio] jason please dont kill me....

so, tomorrow i have opened the house for anyone who wants to come over and take pics with my newspaper wall, im suuuuuper excited! i just hope lots and lots of people come! so far i have a yes from 8 people. =] YAY!

but before anyone can come over, i need to clean the house because its dirty. and let me tell you it brings me such HARDCORE desires to move out! none of the crap around my house belongs to me, except the stuff in my room. and the house if filthy! i cannot wait until i have my own house that i can keep clean... or at least when i clean it i know there will be a place for everything. and i wont have to "box" everything for people to sort thru later. i sound really angry as im writing this... but really im just frustrated to the point of tears. urrrrg.

away from my frustrations HAPPY NEW YEAR! i went to the best party every last night. it was amazazing. i love to laugh. and i laughed alot.