brooklyn freedom. fersher.

so this is kind of a real post.

i need another job. not a new job... but an additional job. im like b-r-o-k-e. i have about $20 to last me till the 15th. im not clearly not the best budgeter in the universe. and im not complaining... dont get me wrong. its my own fault that i havent gotten another job.

i was just looking at my spending report and my bank statement and during the month of august i spent $67.61 eating out. WTF. thats insane. i cant afford that!

so this is my kindofsortof public statement that im going to start spending my money more wisely.. since its basically nonexistant anyway haha... and the first way im going to do that is cutting eating out. and maybe that will help me lose weight.

the end.

im slippin into the lava

ive been insanely busy latey. and its been amazing fersher. but i dont feel like writing about it. so i will leave you with an obnoxious amout of secrets.

i want to swim away but dont know how...

mature and mentally stable?

i took a month off blogging.

not for any particular reason... and not because it was a goal or something i resolved to do. it just happened. i havent been good at verbalizing my thoughts or issues lately [lately? who am i kidding... more like ever. LOL] so there was just never anything to say.

but this last month has been busy, full of lots of fun stuff.

• a trip to 2 states ive never been to: Indiana and Illinois [the "s" is silent!]. Where i met so many new friends... that were really more like family by the end of the week.
• i turned 21 [but i'm not allowed ot talk about that haha!]
• i went to the new BJs [!]
• played pool party
• had a photoshoot... or rewind. built a wall and THEN had a photoshoot.
• I've texted... alot.
• went to the midnight showing of the dark knight [heath <3]
• drank lots of coffee
• watched seasons 1-3 of the office [ryyyyan the teeemp]
• went on a few after midnight InO runs :P
• saw the HSM3 preview!!
• got the "susanna susanna staceeeeee" song stuck in my head 93 thousand times
• i've napped in a hammock
• cleaned my room... and made it messy again.
• shot my first wedding!
• mailed a giant package across the country
• had friends visit me on my lunch break at work for the first time
• started reading twilight
• learned that i need to quit the library when i get my first rubber insect
• wrote an essay [and got a B]
• honestly i've had a bunch of emotional issues without actually getting emotional. which really shouldnt qualify me as mature or mentally stable [i mask my emotions well ;]muahahah] but, i kinda made a decision to commit to "circle time"... which isnt going to fix anything, it could make things worse lol. but the fact that i commited is such a giant scary step for me...

and thats all i can think of right now, athough im sure there is so much more. ill attempt to blog more... its only fair since i expect everyone else to blog haha.

the end.

at the risk of being emo..

taken directly from the PostSecret website...

"

there are no words, in any language verbal or pictorial, that could ever describe how much i wish this postcard were for me.

today is my last visit to the site, never again. it hurts too much, seeing postcards like the one i need, knowing it will never come."


Its not that i feel this way, its that i can feel the pain of the people who posted this. PostSecret breaks me like nothing else.

dear diary, mood apathetic

my life is spiraling downward. i couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry Concert. It sucks cause they play some of my favorite songs like 'Stab My Heart Because I Love You,' and 'Rip Apart My Soul,' and of course, 'Stabby Rip Stab Stab."... wait. jk.

so, its been an insanely long time since i posted a *real* blog. and its basically because i went thru and read my old blogs and was like. crap. i dont want this to be the place i come and be emo. i dont want to be *that girl* where you see i updated and think "great. another sarcastically sad post because her life is crappy." haha.

i read my less-than-three girls blogs and everyone is posting how God is moving amazingly in their lives and doors are being opened and i am so so so so SO happy to hear that! i dont want to be the downer blog. so i havent really posted. because lately my impulse posts... would be pretty emo. AND i should be able to be grown up and actually talk about my issues instead of blogging vague emotastic paragraphs that make sense to no one. [like that will ever happen! HAHA]

so heres a little peek into my brain. In an effort to really "blog". A thought that was brought on by the beth moore bible study tonight. After every passover comes a pentecost. We all know the story of Jesus' betrayal after "the last supper" that supper was Passover... and basically not the best day ever. Then 50 days later, was the Day of Pentecost, after Jesus accended to Heaven He told His followers to wait, because He was going to send "the comforter". He KNEW what was going to happen!! And He told them to wait because He wanted them to experiance it! God's not going to leave me because He already knows whats going to happen. Hes not looking at my life saying "wow, she *is* emo! that sucks." *walks away* =[ I'd like to imagine He's looking at me in anticipation of the ending of this season, excited to see the day that *im* excited to be alive. [i think there will be lots of glitter falling around me that day haha] just thought id share. the end.

failing at the blogging thing...

im kinda suddenly stressed out. but i was listening to this song yesterday and i love it so... so im sharing it with you as i avoid making the effort to post a real blog.

Replace Me - Family Force 5

My Batteries died sometime ago
Gotta heart shaped box where they must go
Corrosion's building everyday
My flesh is leading me astray
that's why I started to decay
and I will slowly rot away
but I can't feelthat anyway

This heart it wants to beat
These Lungs they want to breathe
These eyes they wants to see
Gotta Mouth that wants to sing

Desperation
Needing YOU
Every last breath
I scream for YOU
Shatter me into a million pieces...Make me new

Crush me, tear me, break me, mold me
Make me what YOU want me to be
I am yours for YOU to use
Oh, Take and Replace me with YOU

Needing more than just a jump start to get me through
My disconnection is now the issue.....

I miss my 1st love bad and its driving me mad
Just Like a mixed up crazy person out of his head
Its been a long long time I've been on the decline
I do an a-bout face so I can be replaced. 180!!!

This heart it wants to beat
These Lungs they want to breathe
These eyes they wants to see
Gotta Mouth that wants to sing

Desperation
Needing YOU
Every last breath
I scream for YOU
Shatter me into a million pieces...Make me new

Crush me, tear me, break me, mold me
Make me what YOU want me to be