he *is* blind! thats why he has no eyes.

things to do in the next day... or week:

• take photoshop for photographers midterm
• write a rough draft research paper for english.
• finish week 7 quiz for english
• finish week 7 quiz for film history
• take 6 pics for my photo essay midterm for color photo
• catch up on 2 missed color photo assignments :[
• participate in english discussions
• participate in color photo discussions
• participate in photoshop for photographers discussion
• participate in film history discussion
• do my "chase the lion" bible study hw
• catch up on "believing God" bible study hw
• do laundry [and put it away :/]
• shop for a bulletin board
• get decorations for trunk or treat
• take Twin to work and pick her up
• proctor SATs
• play "wednesday"
• clean off bathroom countertop
• make sure kitchen stays clean while 'rents are gone
• fit 24hrs @ wk in there somewhere
• make omars buttons
• make brian a new button
• make buttons of PJ amazingness
• if theres time see HSM3 ♥
• try not to get overwhelmed. :[

My prom is wherever you are. [That's what im gunna say!]

*sigh*

i dont even have words. it was so effing amazing.

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?

i told myself that i wouldnt blog when i was depressed again. people dont need to know when im depressed anymore because it just makes everyone mad at me... like i do it on purpose or something. but here i am, blogging...

and this time honestly on the verge of tears. ive had a pounding headache all day, and its monday... my least favorite day of the week, because its "homeworks due day". im getting so stressed out by school its not even funny. i'm doing really badly in all of my classes but i just cant focus and get everything done. and its 7pm now... ive been trying to work on homework for 3 HOURS and ive barely made a dent... im just so frustrated, with myself. i should be able to handle this but im freezing under pressure. its ridiculous, i'm 21 years old and i cant do my homework...

right now i really want to drop out. i feel horrible because art school costs so much money, i am so in debt to student loans at this point its insane and ive only taken 6 classes. i have 114 units to take still to get a BFA, i'm going to be paying school off the rest of my life. [like $80,000ish no joke...] and im going to be paying for school where i didnt even try my hardest to excel. and i dont want to tell my dad that im unhappy, because i dont want to dissapoint him. i always make decisions and then i chicken out and quit... i cant handle him not being proud of me.

if i was to be honest with myself, i know that alot of what im feeling right now is just underlying emotional issues that ive been surpressing for so long. Stuff that i really just need to lay on the table and let God have a go at... but im having a hard time letting go and even acknowledging that its happening and that i let it happen. why should He want to fix me when i did this to myself?

its you! YOU smell like laundry!

The Rule of Five
Answer these 5 sets of 5 Questions...


5 People Who Made You do something you didn't want to, but ended up being grateful they did.

1. Herman & Amy, they made me do everything i didnt want to do and it made me develop a very healthy respect for authority and an honest love for serving in the church.

2. Alexis, photography wise she is forever making me do things i think are a good idea, but come the day of im unhappy and anxious beyond all reason... but after its all over i know its worth it. and friend wise she wants me to answer questions that make me put my head on the kitchen table but her advice always makes it worth it because i know she only wants whats best for me.

3. Candice, made me commit to circle time and i was petrified at even the thought of opening up to anyone again. but doing so gave me a friend i know i can truely depend on, and honestly as hard and obnoxious as im sure it was for her to listen to me it really helped saying some things out loud.

4. All the <3 girls [sarah, candice, cassandra, stacey, nicky, alexis, susanna, denise, brittany, cassi, shanna, & annie], made me make friends... or remake friends. and i wouldnt trade the relationships have now for anything.

5. My parents, clearly thru my 21 years they have made me do plenty of things i didnt want to but their rules and guidance has molded me into the well adjusted person i am today ;]



5 Things people don't know about you.

1. when i meet a new person, i often wonder how i will react when they leave me.

2. i am afraid of failing out of college.

3. my newest fear is that my love is invalid.

4. i know i need to change, but im scared of what change will bring.

5. i want to cry right now.



5 Things that make you smile.

1. <3 girls

2. text messages

3. wednesdays

4. hair dye

5. the office



5 Songs that represent your life. (this is really hard... and the songs are just randomly selected from itunes.. probably in alphabetical order haha.)

1. i need you to love me- barlow girl

2. ever ever after- carrie underwood

3. headlights- the classic crime

4. the stand- hillsong united

5. miracle- paramore



5 Places you want to visit.

1. New York

2. Hawaii [again]

3. All up over Europe

4. Illinois [again :D]

5. Canada





**HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHOEBE!**

You don't have to yell. It's not a train station. We're in a tiny car.

i should be working out right now.
but i dont feel like it.
instead im going to lay down on the couch.
maybe fix another cup of coffee.
and watch drop dead gorgeous.

maybe ill jog around the block a few times though.
when i was driving home an old man was doing that.
it looked like a good idea.

oh and the real reason of this blog
is to say that remember how in august
i spent $67.61 eating out?
well for september
i only spent $25.80.
im pretty proud of myself. :D

but i feel like a douche bag right now.

lets dance, douche bag!

i want this to be a supremely amazing post to match my supremely amazing title. but i doubt thats going to happen. because i really dont have anything exciting to say.

today after church candice and cassandra came over for lunch. we all laughed so hard. the ice maker broke, south africa is like torrance, everyones ditching their families to come over for thanksgiving, my mom's going to guest star on cabrillo beach, oh and we have a "shut up!" sign in the living room now. :D finally!

after that we went on a bike ride. we rode from avenue i in redondo to 2nd street in hermosa. it was amazing! 5.5 miles! and we got called BIKERS by some random boys playing volleyball! tour de france here we come!! :D FERSHER [usher!]

now im home. reading secrets and texting. a normal night... nothing to interesting or exciting. some nights is good to get wrapped up in other peoples secrets... the ones that make you smile, the ones that make you giddy, the ones that make you teary, and the ones i think i wrote.

what did i ever do to YOU?!

ive had a really good week.

tuesday i went to see frank. <4!!! thursday i went to chain reaction where i havent been in SO long, and i laughed... alot. friday a bunch of us went to cassi's play, so amazing. :D and then went roaming around until we decided to light graffiti @ rocketship park. saturday was a horrible day at work. so horrible. :[ and today, sunday was really fun. cassandra came over for lunch and then her, susanna, and i went out to disneyland rode space mountian, bought at concert ticket @ HOB and came home. and then later candice came over, which always makes me happy :]

but now that its 11:46 and im still not done with my homework for the week im feeling really blahish. i thought going to school working in my major was going to be fun. its not. i hate the homework... mostly. sometimes its enjoyable, when i actually get to take pictures. which happens for ONE of my FOUR classes this semester. so i just put everything off till the last minute. which will be midnight tomorrow. and im paying so so so much money for this... its ridiculous. i'm starting to second guess my decision. :| i hate being a grown up and having to make decisions... i always fail at them.

and this is where i will end because if i say anymore i will be breaking my goals.