i feel like a bad person for posting this as a blog... and not telling people in person. but. um. i might not have my "other job" anymore... i dont even know what to say. all they said in the email is they got "shutdown" whatever that means... and they might have some odd jobs for me to pick up here and there.

i dont know how im going to make a car payment... or rent.. or GO TO SCHOOL!!! ugh. without that money... im having a slight heart attack.

edit: make that a major heart attack.

by 1:37 exactally....

this is a quick post... i had a slight ephipany at church this morning. and it made me smile. a few weeks ago on a wednesday night i had no intention of going to church. candice and i were going to watch enchanted... and have a grand old time. but i happened to be convinced to go by alexis. =] and lets just say that the night didnt go according to plan by anyones standards. at the time i had really been struggling with if i was going to go back to calvary or if i was going to stay far far away. and that night made me realizeif i can LOVE this place amidst all the drama... then it must really be love. and now im back. then i thought of this amazing empire records clip and it made me have a big smile.



[sorry for the bad quality.. i couldnt find it on youtube so i had to make my own!]

i am insecure, and there is no one as insecure as me.

*sigh*

a really good friend recently told me that i am a closed book. a book closed, and taped shut. except for one little corner that i every now and then let open, but only for certain people. it made me laugh because i had just been realizing that myself. so i am making an attempt at vulnerablity and opening my small corner a little tiny bit, so you can see at least the page number of my book. =]

im pretty scared. you know how people say that the ones who love us the most can hurt us the worst. that scares me in an almost paralyzing way. i am so insecure in who i am that when i hang out with my most amazing friends i am scared to open up too much because the last thing i would ever want is to give someone i love so very much any leverage to cause me pain. im just getting to or am just past the point of no return in some of my most cherished relationships and im feeling the need to take 12 GIANT steps backwards and then run far far away before i do get hurt. because im basically sure i cant handle the hurt anymore. and then when i think about running i can seriously convince myself that no one would notice. and as retarded as it is that hurts my feelings. i hurt my own feelings!

then im insecure in my decision making. for the last year i have been basically disconnected from who i was. i made a 'new' stacee and i was ok with that. i was going to move to the OC and forget my old life and disappear into the crowd and not worry about the people i was leaving behind. until God changed my mind. but now that i took a step... im frozen. at 24 hour prayer i was praying for zillions upon zillions of things and i felt at home for the first time in a long time. and then it just hit me.... i cant even describe how uncomfortable i felt... like i didnt belong. like i would never really belong like i had in the past because i missed so much. and i know its all 'spiritual warfare' or whatever... but its just so real. and it hurts so deep.

and lets just touch for a second on my insecurites about school. AJ from empire records says something that resinates in my being while everyone is at debs 'funeral' he says, "is it better to know or not to know? i want to go to art school... but im scared" i keep putting off my registration... not calling the financial aide people and doing anything because i am so worried that i wont be good enough.

and right now im really insecure because it has taken me 3 days to write this... and im about to press 'publish post' and i dont want you to feel sorry for me because i dont have life figured out. even though i know that none of us do....

i'd make and f-wording good mother

so... i feel obligated to blog. dont know why. still dont have much to say. haha. i can honestly say angsty doesnt describe my mood right now. [although it is still my myspace status because i <3 that word!] ive slightly... very slightly moved forward and now i just have moments of sadness. ugh. which usually occur when im sitting alone and have time to think. like now.

but instead of being all emotastic i'll tell you about the amazing weekend i had. i stayed the night at candice's house on friday night. so fun! we stayed up till 3:30ish watching movies about people from van nuys LOL.

then i spent saturday with the youth at 6 flags. that was pretty funny. i hung out mostly with sarah, nate, brian, and becca. we had some good times and lots of laughs. and i saw falling up whom i love very much. so that was exciting.

when we got home from 6 flags sarah and i went to in n out and picked up dinner for us and for zoran and dropped zorans off at the hospital and then made our way back to church to wait for 1am to come. because at 1am was the start of RE:'s hour of the 24 hours of prayer. it was basically amazing. [especially if you can look past the part where i was hot.. dirty.. tired.. and probably smelled after a loooong day lol] but it was exciting because there were a bunch of us! and it was remincent of my early morning prayer days. <3 ... i could be really vulnerable right now. but after typing it out. i am so choosing not to be LOL.

and now its sunday night. im waiting for REM sleep to come even though its still pretty early. and im basically excited about a day off tomorrow.

22 hours later...

and the breathing is still shallow, and my heart just plain hurts.

so i am watching titanic for a good cry.

i'm chandler, i make jokes when i'm uncomfortable.

stacey said tonight that i need to update my blog.

i dont have anything to say. im in a slightly stunned state of mind. i feel like a cross between someone who cannot get a fulfilling breath of air but keeps gasping in hopes that the next one will be satisfying. and a person walking in a dark and unfamilar room reaching for a light switch that is non existant.

^^^ hows that for vague-emotional-sounding statements where no one knows what youre talking about? haha.

uuuuuugh

today was such a good day. i rearranged my room. which is basically amazing. i cut up all of my magazines... which eliminated LOTS of magazines from my presence. and there were massive "epiphanies" at nickys this morning.

but now im all blahish. and it makes me quite sad. even when im cranky i still smile and laugh. why is it when someone else is cranky they have to tear everyone down? it pisses me off. now i just want to read a dying book and take a nap. =[