how long you were going to wait to *live* and stop hanging your life on other peoples expectaions and desires

this is going to be a random post full of rambles that dont make much sense. just a warning.

after i almost burst into tears today at work when a coworker asked how i was.. and i felt like they actually meant it. my "mom patron" came in. [not to be confused with my "mom coworker" lol] we had a discussion about lasik eye surgery and how she was going in for a consultation tomorrow, but she was scared. after discussing fears and how someone digging in your eye was way different than needles digging into your skin [she thought my henna was real LOL] she said, it would be nice to just wake up in the morning and be able to see. then she said, its a shame the first thing i would see is my husband. then she laughed and said, no im totally kidding. im still very much in love with my husband after all these years. it was so cute.

i got a book from the library today called "its a wonderful lie: 26 truths about life in your twenties" heres an excerpt:

"The labels 'permanent adolescents' and 'boomerangers'-- as in we listlessly boomerang back into our parents' homes-- imply that out of laziness, we would much prefer to waste our lives loafing while watching afternoon television and munching Fritos on our parents' couch. CNN has specifically accused twentysomethings of wanting merely to 'lay around.'

We dont languish in our state of limbo, however, as much as we battle it. Simply put it is more difficult to be a twentysomething now than it was forty years ago. We face the most competitive hiring pool in history, with increasing numbers of college graduates. Furthermore, the age at which older generations expect us to succeed is rapidly plummeting; no longer is a thirty-year-old CEO deemed a whiz kid. With professional athletes drafted out of high school and A-list singer-actors in their teens, we're made to feel that if we haven't achieved something monumental by age twenty five, then we're already over the hill."

*shrugs* yeah basically.

these are some lyrics from a song i was listening to on the way home from work.

Tonight will change our lives
It's so good to be by your side
But we'll cry
We won't give up the fight
We'll scream loud at the top of our lungs
And they'll think it's just cause we're young
And we'll feel so alive

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight

and i'll leave you with a few secrets. a friend recently told me that if i ever decided to pick up and leave i had to tell her first.. because most of the secrets that i have involve leaving. its kinda funny that the idea of leaving is so obvious in my subconscious but when its brought to the front of my mind its at the top of my "most terrified of" list.










its been a long... difficult last few days. thank you to the amazing friends i have <3

why are you beating me with my own coffee cup!?

things i need to do in the near future [like today]

• order prints of pictures to hang in my room
• finish laundry
• pluck my eyebrows
• go for a walk
• buy candice a birthday present ;]
• clean out under my bed
• find someone to photograph
• look into building my backdrop stand again
• take a nap

i'm sure more will come... but thats all i can think of now. *takes drink of coffee*

why are we sad? who's sad? why don't i have food?!

this is an almost shameless plug for my photography blog that i updated today. :D and i have another update almost ready for sometime in the next few days.

since i'm not going to school this semester and i'm kinda feeling like a failure LOL expect me to stalk you all about letting me take your picture... i want to feel like i've made some accomplishments. :] and well i basically have the hottest friends ever ;]

anyway.. yeah. let me know what you think of the pics :]

i knew something bad was going to happen today. you said that yesterday. yeah my neighbor got murdered.

i dont really have anything interesting or profound to say today. but its been awhile since i blogged... and im just sitting here with nothing to do, so blogging seemed like a viable option.

so, i was at work today really tired. i've been sick lately and while i woke up feeling so much better today i am just exhausted. it was like 20 minutes to the library closing and one of our regular patrons came in and she was talking about this book she had requested. Its called Snow Crystals. Its a book of photography by a guy named Wilson Bentley... let me tell you it is amazing! this guy, Bentley, was fasinated by snowflakes as a teenager and tried to draw them by looking at them under a microscope... but clearly that didnt work because the snowflakes would melt.

in 1885 he figured out a way to photograph snowflakes by catching them on the surface of a blackboard transfering them to a microscope slide and then capturing the snowflake before it melted or evaporated. It sometimes took hours to capture just one image. But he managed to take over 5,000 images of crystals in his lifetime.

When the woman at the library said she didnt need the book i took it, and ive been looking at these images. not one of them is alike. seriously. 2,500 snowflakes in one book and not one is the same. not only are they different. they are beautiful.

Theres no need for every snowflake to be different. God just did it because. no reason. how amazing is that? i guess you just have to see this book....



anyway. anyone watch the office yet?

she's a whore. how many cats do you have!?!

i feel the need to post a "new year" post. so here it goes.... 14 hours into 2009 :] i've been home from south dakota for... about 2 days now. and those 2 days have been a blur. our plane landed at 10am and i went home, refixed my hair and was off to work in about 1.5 hours. by 9 when it was time for me to get off, i was exhausted... but i had a really good first night back @ work. i smiled alot. :] then i came home and hung out with an amazing friend.

wednesday morning was really good for me. i woke up really cranky, i hadnt sleep well and had to wake up early for work. but instead of really getting ready to go i made coffee and sat on the couch and drank it. all by myself. it was so amazing. everyone in the house was asleep and i was alone for the first time in almost 2 weeks. it wasnt even that long that i sat there... just enough time to finish a cup of coffee but it was so good for me, profound even.

i know you're probably thinking wtf does that have to do with the new year?

my morning continued like any normal morning at home would... i got ready for work and headed off to manhattan beach. but this morning i had my new ipod to listen to and it was playing on a worship mix that i made awhile back. the song "a little longer" by brian and jenn johnson came on.. and im sure you all know it but ill post part of the lyrics anyway.

"Then I hear You sing to me
'You... don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute

Wait... this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here with Me
And love on Me a little longer
I'd love to be with you a little longer
'Cause I'm in love with you'"

i had a total girl moment in my car on the 405 where i heard this and just cried. i've had so many questions in the last year, so many concerns, so many old fears resurface and new fears set up camp in the front of my mind, and so much drama even in the last month that yesterday morning hearing this song just broke me.

Just simply be with me and let those things go.
that speaks volumes to me. it doesnt say "just be with me and let those things go." it says *simply*. its supposed to be an easy choice to set all of these concerns down to just *be* with Jesus. He isn't judging me based on who my friends are, or what jokes i make, or points i give, or pictures i take, or what my "status" is, or where i go to school, or what secrets i have, or how loud i laugh, or how much i text, or what clique im in. He just wants me to be able to set that aside and be with Him.

Thats my new years resolution. i need to let things go. not let them rule my life anymore and just *simply* be with Jesus. i honestly think if i can manage that... then everything else will fall into place. friendships will mend. i will loose my negitive self esteem points. i wont be so afraid of everything. maybe i'll be able to accept a compliment without fighting it. maybe i will be able to make eye contact. ;] and maybe i'll believe in love.

thats all.

cheerios. honey nut. so dont worry, my hearts good.

so, im in South Dakota for Christmas... just like every year. and just like every year im sitting in the play room/rec room/not really either of those anymore room wondering what to do. this year i brought 4 seasons of Scrubs with me to watch. i just finished the first last night. its amazing.

since ive literally just been sitting here ive been getting back into looking at photography blogs and getting ever so slightly excited about taking pictures. [kinda a miracle after this last semester lol] while moving from webpage to webpage looking at camera lenses and reading reviews and looking at backdrop stands and photography workshops and and and and and i made an exciting [for me] purchase today! :D



whats more exciting is that it will probably be waiting for me when i get home! :D so its just one more thing to make me excited about HOME! [third only to friends and food of course]

annnnnnd when i get home i'm going to work on building a backdrop stand so i can have portable backdrops [like the very not portable magazine wall] and take fun pictures with that. i cant wait until i can work on all this stuff.



i wish i was home...

I wish for one day everyone would say exactly what someone else needed to hear.

i was planning on never posting another postsecret blog in my life because i was tired of all the angsty responses about how i need to change how i feel. but this brought tears to my eyes and i thought i would share.





-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 5:18 AM
Subject: timecard you're not alone

My son just wrote Santa last night asking for that special present and I didn't have the heart to tell him that "Santa's" back injury has kept HER from waiting tables the past two weeks .

my secret:
I wish Santa Claus was real so on Christmas no child would have to go without and no parent would have to feel like they failed there child.

-Amber (with permission)


-----Email Message-----
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2008 12:11 AM
Subject: re: timecard you're not alone

I know I cannot do this for every child out there, but if you would tell her that there is someone out there willing to try and buy their son that gift, then I would appreciate it very much.

I am a college student with a limited budget, but it would be a lovely Christmas present for me if I were able to put a smile on the faces of two strangers on Christmas morning.


-----Email Message
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 11:53 PM
Subject: RE: timecard you're not alone

First off let me tell you how thankful I am to you and your wonderful offer. I was not in anyway expecting any sort of help I just wanted to let this person know they were not alone.

Gratefully yours,
-Amber

[Frank's Note:] (I asked Amber to set-up a PayPal account using this email address for those of us wanting to help.)
q.ue_sera_sera@yahoo.com